sarahsaturday

Dear Sarah,

Ugh. I'm infatuated with my best friend's crush. She thinks he's straight, but he's not. He and I have messed around a couple of times. But she has dibs on him, even though they are not formally together. I don't want to do anything to mess up my friendship with her, but I really like this guy. What should I do?

Love,
Zacc Grazier
http://zaccgrazier.buzznet.com

Dear Zacc,

What a predicament! And it's made even more complicated by the fact that this guy obviously has not come out as being gay or bisexual. The best approach here is to break it down and figure out where to start building it back up...

1. You are obviously open about your sexuality, and your friend (the girl) knows it.
2. The guy is obviously not open about his sexuality, since the girl thinks he is straight.
3. Your friendship with the girl seems to be more important to you than a relationship with the guy, which is admirable.

I always say that honesty is the best policy, because the truth always prevails in the end -- it always makes itself known, in one way or another. But in this case, the burden of honesty doesn't necessarily fall on your shoulders, yet.

First: It's up to this guy to be honest about his sexuality with the girl. If he can't do that, then there is no reason for you to even pursue him or upset your friend by telling her about him (especially if he isn't ready to come out, that could turn into a huge mess). So the first thing you do is have a conversation with him about whether or not he plans on coming out, and if he wants to be with the girl or not. As HER friend, you should want to encourage her love interest to be honest with her.

Second: Check yourself. Since there is nothing you can do to act on your feelings for this guy right now, I think you should do the noble thing and put your feelings aside -- just for a while. Put the burden of honesty on him, and let him clean up his own mess. Just be ready to be there for your friend if and when he breaks the news to her. She will need your support. And keep in mind that it could take this guy a long time to work up the nerve to tell the girl the truth, or even to admit it to himself. During this time, a lot could change in your heart and mind. You might meet someone else or decide that he's not right for you. So keeping your feelings in check is the smart thing to do, not only for yourself, but for your best friend AND your crush.

Finally: Be patient. It may seem like a really big deal at this moment, but so much can change in a matter of days or even hours that there is no need to upset yourself or feel anxious about getting the situation resolved. Focus your energy on something else, something creative. Spend time with other friends, start a new project, and keep yourself busy. Let this situation clear up on its own. If you are meant to be with this guy, it will happen when the time is right. But be open to the possibility that by the time it's all said and done, you might have already moved on. And most importantly, you'll still have your best friend.

Love,
Sarah