sarahsaturday

Dear Sarah,

Ever since I can remember, I've had trouble making friends, and tend to be stand-offish when I meet new people. I also have trouble making eye contact with people. Every time I'm in a new environment I become introverted and get anxious easily. How can I change this? I want to learn how to talk to people, but I get too anxious.

Love,
Introverted But Trying (Anonymous)

Dear Introverted,

It is totally normal to have a sense of apprehension or nervousness when you are in a new situation, or meeting new people. We're always most comfortable around people that we already know, in places that are already familiar to us.

When I was in high school, there was a group of people (mostly girls) who didn't like me because they said I was stuck-up and full of myself. In reality, I was pretty shy, and intimidated by those people who were always the loud, abrasive, seemingly confident kids in school. I was the person who kept to myself in social situations, where I didn't know anyone. Most of that was a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to handle any situation.

It takes time to build "confidence" -- and "confidence" doesn't necessarily mean being loud, talkative, or the center of attention. Confidence, by definition, is "belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-reliance; assurance." The better you know yourself, your beliefs, your boundaries, and your likes/dislikes, the better you'll be able to adapt to new situations. You'll be able to answer any question, or chime in on any conversation, because you'll know what you think and why you think it. You'll also trust your judgment in any situation, and if you don't want to be there, you will have no problem leaving because you'll know why you don't feel comfortable.

Part of being scared to open up in a social setting is the fear of being rejected, or of saying something "wrong" and being made fun of. The more time you work on developing who you are at your core, the less you will worry about other people's reactions. As your confidence in yourself grows, you will come out of your shell more and more. But it definitely takes time to learn about yourself.

Another thing you can do to overcome your fear in social situations is this: view your fear as if it is a bratty little kid who is throwing a temper tantrum, trying to ruin your day. Annoying, right? But, as we all know, the fastest way to get a bratty kid to stop throwing a temper tantrum is to IGNORE the tantrum. So, instead of letting your fear overcome you, punish it by intentionally acting the opposite of the way it wants you to react. If you walk into a party and your fear tells you to look down at the floor, ignore it, and intentionally looking into every person's eyes that you pass. Punish your fear even more by *smiling* at those people, while you are making eye contact. If you are in a big group of people and your fear tells you not to talk to anyone, ignore it and ask someone what time it is, then punish your fear even more by introducing yourself to the person, and asking them about themselves.

When you get anxious in a social situation, it's your fear telling you that something terrible will happen if you open up and make yourself vulnerable. But that's not the case! I can guarantee that after enough times of punishing your fear by going against what it tells you to do, the fear will start to subside, just like how the bratty kid eventually gives up and goes back to playing with his toys.

As for the anxiety: depending on how bad it actually is, there are a few things you can do. You should start by reading about social anxiety online. A lot of people have issues with social anxiety, but the more serious cases can require therapy or medication. If you haven't talked to a therapist, it might be worth it to schedule a few sessions. I am a firm believer that everyone can benefit from therapy; I've overcome a lot of issues in my life just by talking to a professional and getting some tips and tricks for handling stuff like depression, anxiety, stress, etc.

Strengthen your core to build your confidence, and punish your fear when it tries to throw temper tantrums. You're 100 times more interesting than most people you will ever meet, and there's nothing you can do or say in a social setting that will cause any permanent damage... Trust me!

Love,
Sarah


Dear Sarah,

I need your help. You see, my cousin and I never used to get along when we were little kids. We always fought over the stupidest things.

But in December of 2007, my family and I visited relatives for a few weeks. During that time we attended a a wedding. I didn't know my cousin was going to be there, but when I saw him wearing his tuxedo and looking really elegant, I stopped thinking of him as a little boy and found myself in front of a handsome gentleman.

We had a great time at the wedding. We danced and ate strawberries from a chocolate fountain. He was paying more attention to me than my brother (with whom he used to get along very well). After the wedding, we started to spend more time together. We hugged more, and he would always touch my hand, and he taught me how to ride a skateboard. We would even joke about getting married. Later he confessed that the same thing happened to him when he saw me wearing my red dress at the wedding. He didn't think of me as that little girl who cried for everything anymore; now he thought of me as something more, a "gorgeous girl" (in his own words).

We saw each other again during spring break in 2008. The same happened -- touching hands, joking around, kissing on the cheek. A few months later, during summer vacation, things got more interesting. He came to stay for about three weeks at my house. Everything was alright during the day, while he and my brother and I would hang out together. But at night we would sneak into the living room to watch the moon from the window, and at times he would grab my hand, or play with my hair, or lay his head on my lap so I could play with his hair... *sigh* ...until one night, I don't know how it happened, but we kissed! Imagine, my first kiss, and it was with my cousin! We felt weird at first, but then everything felt normal again.

Then during Christmas vacation in 2008, the same thing happened again. Everything seems to indicate that we are in love with each other, but the problem is that we are COUSINS! His mom and my mom are SISTERS! Imagine what our family would do if they found out about us. They'd kill us, for sure. But can I blame my heart for choosing him? I know it's strange that of all the people in the world, I had to fall in love with him, but it's him I want. And I can't have him because:

1. Our family would kill us if they found out,
2. Society still discriminates marriages between cousins, or people from the same family,
3. Religion calls it as a sin, and
4. Science has discovered that when two persons of the same family have a baby, the probabilities of birth defects are higher.

Please help me! What would you do if you were me?

Sincerely,
Forbidden Love (Anonymous)

Dear Forbidden,

Wow. This is one of the toughest questions anyone has ever asked me. I thought a lot about it, and tried to think about what I would do in your situation. Then I did a little bit of research online, just to see what everyone else has to say about it -- I was actually surprised by what I found!

First, though, here is what I would do...

Talk to your cousin about your feelings. Try to remove the intensity, the thrill of the forbidden, and the drama from the situation and just have a discussion about the reality of what is happening. Maybe you should do this on the phone. Find out how he feels and what he wants to do about it. Examine your own feelings as logically as possible (again, removing the stuff that clouds your judgment). Are your feelings as real as you think they are? Are they real enough to put your relationship with your parents, your relatives, and possibly your friends, at risk, forever?

Then, ask yourself: do you think it's possible that somewhere in the world there is a guy who could make you feel the same way this guys makes you feel? Do you think there is even a 1% chance that you could fall in love with someone else, someday, when you are older? A 10% chance? 30%? Do you see where I'm going with this?

First loves, first kisses, first thrills... They are extremely intense. It's hard to think straight and it feels like the biggest and most important thing that has ever happened. My first love was one of those "bad" guys that parents always hate. His name was Chris. He skipped school and went to parties, and my parents hated him so much they got a restraining order against him! This, of course, only made the "love" more intense -- we couldn't have it so we wanted it ten times more. Eventually I convinced my parents to give him a chance, and he won them over, and we fell happily into love and were together for a long time.

But... my first love was also my first heartbreak. He cheated on me, and it was probably one of the most devastating, painful things I'll ever go through. After high school, I started meeting new people and having new experiences, and I realized how big the world was and how many possibilities lay ahead. Since then, I've had many intense, passionate, and amazing relationships. But when I was 14, if you had asked me who I was going to marry, I would have said "Chris."

What I'm getting at is, the chances are greater that you will NOT end up marrying your first love. It's more likely that will have a lot of relationships before you find the right guy to spend your life with. You, yourself, have a lot of changing and growing to do before you will be ready to marry anyone. You've got so many experiences ahead of you!

So you have to ask yourself: would it be worth it to choose your cousin as your first love, knowing that it is more likely that you won't end up marrying your first love? Would it be worth it to put your entire family through such an extreme shock, for something that probably won't last? Think about what it would be like after you broke up, both of you with broken hearts, and how difficult it would be to spend the rest of your lives seeing each other at family reunions, holidays, weddings, funerals? Would it be worth it?

But if the answer is yes, then I would challenge both of you to take one year to think about it. Pick a date one year in the future, and agree that you will not see each other or talk to each other for one full year. You can write letters to each other but you can't send them. Make other arrangements during spring and summer breaks so you don't have to see each other. If you really, truly love each other and you are really, truly meant to be together forever, then one year of waiting will be nothing.

During that year, focus on having fun, doing well in school, developing your hobbies, and meeting new guys. See if there are any guys at your school that you could like. Go to rock shows, art shows, sporting events, church events, etc., and see if you can't find at least one other guy to crush on. Try to put your cousin out of your mind. Open yourself up to the possibilities of new experiences and new people.

If, after a full year, you can't put him out of your mind... If you still think you love him and want to be with him... Well, write to me again and I'll tell you what to do next. ;)

Now, as for my "research" on the topic...
I found a lot of information online, including the list of states in the US that forbid marriage between first cousins. I was surprised to find that only half of the states don't allow it!

Here are some other interesting things I found, all of which would need a lot of fact-checking before it was presented as truth:

• 26 US states allow first cousin marriages; most people can marry their cousin in the US.
• No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins. It is also legal throughout Canada and Mexico to marry your cousin. The U.S. is the only western country with cousin marriage restrictions.
• The frequency of cousin marriages in the USA is about 1 in 1,000. The frequency of cousin marriages in Japan is about 4 in 1,000
• It is estimated that 20 percent of all couples worldwide are first cousins. It is also estimated that 80 percent of all marriages historically have been between first cousins.

Those were some of the encouraging facts I found. But every situation is different, and you really need to consider the impact your decision may have on the people around you -- not only in the immediate future, but for the rest of your and your family's lives.

Here's to hoping I hear from you in a year...

Love,
Sarah


Dear Sarah,

My friend's boyfriend and I are pretty good friends. But since she's been going out with him, she has started accusing me of flirting with him, or trying to get him to dump her. I haven't been doing either of these things. How can I get her to believe me?

Love,
A Trustworthy Friend (Anonymous)

Dear Trustworthy Friend,

This one is pretty simple, as long as everyone is being honest with themselves and with each other.

If you don't have any feelings whatsoever for your friend's boyfriend, then there is nothing you can do but continue to reassure your friend that you are not flirting with him, that you don't like him that way, and that you just want to be his friend. It's up to her to believe you, and to believe the truth.

If your friendship with this girl is more important than your friendship with the guy, then you might consider backing off, and not hanging out with him or talking to him online unless your friend is there. If she has self-esteem or trust issues, she will feel threatened or paranoid when her boyfriends are talking to other girls (no matter who the girls are), especially when she isn't around. So you might want to show your devotion to your friend by funneling all of your contact with the guy through her. This will help her feel more secure and in control of the situation.

You should also talk to your friend and ask her why she thinks these things. Where does her paranoia come from? Is it from how you are acting, or how the guy is acting? Is it possible that she has reasons to be concerned? Maybe it has nothing to do with the guy OR with you. Maybe it stems from some deeper issue that she is dealing with. Are her parents divorced? Does she have anything in her past that would affect her ability to trust people, especially females in her life?

I'm asking all these questions because I can relate to your friend's paranoia. I've been in situations where I secretly worried that my friend had feelings for my boyfriend, or that my boyfriend secretly had a crush on my friend. This stems from trust issues I have with my father, who had an affair when I was really little. My parents' divorce affected my self-esteem as well, and that has also caused issues in my relationships with guys. Unfortunately, the people closest to me have been affected by my personal issues, but being able to talk about it with friends has helped me a lot over the years.

So just be honest, reassuring, consistent in your behavior, and supportive of your friend. This probably has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with your friend's self-esteem issues. (Maybe you should tell her to write to me. *wink wink*)

Love,
Sarah