sarahsaturday

Dear Sarah,

I've never had a good relationship with my dad. He's loud, obnoxious, has no sense of time, is selfish and sexist. He doesn't think of me as his "little girl," he sees me as a little freak. I don't like talking to him, but sometimes I can't avoid him. I need a good way to deal with him until I leave for college. I know he has problems and he's clinically depressed, but it's hard to understand his issues when he's so irritable. What can I do?

Submitted by: http://bellreavue.buzznet.com

Dear Living w/ Difficult Dad,

It can be really hard when one of your parents doesn't give you the love and respect that you deserve as a human being -- and that you expect as their child. It's hard to recognize that your parents are individuals who have their own sets of issues, baggage, and emotions. It's weird to think that they were once your age, and probably had the same frustrations with their parents as you now have with yours.

Now, that being said, you are still living at home, and your parents are (presumably) paying the bills and putting food on the table. That's definitely something you should be grateful for, and it's reason enough for you to try to be polite and courteous for as long as you are living at home. You don't have to LIKE it, but you should be a good and decent person by at least respecting the fact that your parents provide for you.

Before you decide to cut your father out of your life altogether, I'd strongly suggest talking to someone who is close to both your father and you -- someone in your family, like your mom, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc. Tell them how your dad makes you feel and ask them if they can help talk to your dad about his behavior. You might also want to suggest going to family therapy with your dad and anyone else in your family who might be affected by his attitude. If he is depressed and has other psychological issues, then his behavior is stemming from somewhere deep inside that has nothing to do with you; unfortunately, you're one of the people closest to him, so it's easy for him to take it out on you. Talking to family and friends, and trying to get help, should always be the first things you try in situations like this. You should always have someone in your family who is your sounding board, to help you through these kinds of situations, and to stand up for you when you need it.

Once you have someone to help you discuss the issue with your father -- be it a family member, relative, or therapist -- I think it's important that you put into words what you want and need from your father. Remember: he is an individual. He makes his own choices based on his own set of life experiences, and you can't let the way he treats you affect the way you view yourself. You have to hold him to the same standards you would hold anyone else; and if he doesn't live up to those standards, you can't blame yourself or feel bad about yourself because of it. He needs to do the right thing, to act like an adult, and to be a good father to you. He needs to be held responsible for his decisions and his actions. You can't fix him, you can only tell him what you expect from him and what you need from the relationship. Once you have laid it all out on the table, it's up to him to do the right thing. He needs to want to fix himself, and if he doesn't, you have to be prepared to give up on that relationship.

I would start right now by putting on paper how he makes you feel, how he upsets and disappoints you, and how you wish he would act differently. List examples of things he does that makes you not want to interact with him. Explain the feelings you get when he does those things. Next, write down stuff about him that you like, good memories that you have, and the ways you wish he would change. You might be surprised by what spills onto the page once you start writing everything down. If all else fails, you might want to consider writing him a letter that contains all those thoughts. I always find that it's easier to explain my feelings in writing than in person. Maybe your dad just doesn't realize how he is making you feel.

The last thing I'll say is that we all go through a phase in high school where we feel very alienated from our parents. It seems like they could never understand what we are going through, and their only goal in life is to make our lives a living hell. But I guarantee that this changes over time. If you can be level-headed and realistic about things, and take everything with a grain of salt, it will get better. Underneath all the crap and the bad decisions and the fights and the selfishness, every parent loves their child, and wants their child to love them back.

Love,
Sarah


Dear Sarah,

I know this is a simple question, but I really need help with it. I'm fifteen and my boyfriend just broke up with me. He was my first official boyfriend. I've had someone break up with me once before but he wasn't really my boyfriend. But this time it hurts so much more.

He was my best friend. We'd tell each other EVERYTHING. And we could act like idiots with each other. It was so fun. He still talks to me every day and he said we're still best friends. But he says it's hard to be best friends because I'll always want to be more and he doesn't.

He said he broke up with me because he just lost his feelings for me. But I didn't even do anything wrong. He had this school play which he really wanted me to join with him so we could spend more time together. But I said no, and that made him really upset. But I didn't think it would make him stop loving me. He said that's not the main reason, but that's what started the loss of his feelings. I have a feeling that we can make it through this like we always had. We were together for a year and three months. I miss all the times we spent together. It hurts not knowing we can't spend time together anymore.

I don't know what to do. I want to get over him but I don't know how. My friends aren't always there for me. They have transferred to different schools and they have new friends so I'm all alone. Please help me. How can I get over him? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Heartbroken Loner

Dear Heartbroken,

OUCH. I've been here before and it is NOT fun. I'm truly sorry you are going through this right now. I wish the heartache could go away overnight, but unfortunately that's just not how this stuff works.

All you can do right now is take things one day at a time. Each day, whether you feel it or not, your heart and mind are healing. It's important to let this process run its course, and not try to cover it up or ignore it or make it go faster. It is okay to feel hurt, sad, lonely, and all of those things. Take your time healing so you don't end up with any scars!

Now, as for the "staying friends" thing: I've tried this before. It was a similar situation. I was totally in love with this guy, and then one day he just broke up with me, seemingly out of nowhere. I was devastated! But then he said he still wanted to be friends, and to be honest I said I wanted to be friends too, but only because I wanted to be close to him in the hopes that he would fall back in love with me. Eventually it got too complicated, and he said the same thing to me about it being hard to stay friends because he knew I wanted more.

That was the first and last time I tried staying friends with an ex-boyfriend immediately after a break-up. No matter who dumps whom, or why you broke up, there still needs to be some time apart. You can't go straight from having one type of intimate relationship to another without some distance, so you can both heal.

If you two are meant to be together, you'll end up together. But you can't force it. He has been (brutally) honest about his feelings, so you must respect that, and not try to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go.

On the other hand, it's not fair of him to try to keep you to himself under the guise of a friendship. He probably likes the attention and affection he was used to having from you when you were together, and he doesn't want to let go of that. But he needs to know that he either gets you, or he doesn't. He can't have his cake and eat it, too!

I think you need to tell him that you need your space. You don't have to get into a big discussion about, just tell him that you need to not talk to him or hang out with him for a while, until you think you are ready for a friendship. And then you really need to stick to it. In a way, it will be like you are breaking up with him, which can be just as hard to getting dumped. But you have to stick to the plan.

In an ideal world, you'll end the friendship, and he'll start to miss you and realize what a jerk he's been and beg you to take him back. But you should not expect that to happen. In fact, you should expect the worst. That way, you won't be caught off-guard or hurt all over again when he doesn't try to get back together.

Most importantly, though: take this time to focus on yourself, and on starting a new chapter in your life. Try making new friends, or getting involved with after-school activities, taking up new hobbies, exercising more, spending time with your family, etc. Start a new art project, read a book, get a new haircut. Rearrange your bedroom, delete your Myspace account, take guitar lessons. Fill your time, and your mind, with anything that will keep you from obsessing on this situation -- and then, just take it one day at a time. Every morning, your heart will feel a little lighter.

Be sure to look inside yourself during this time as well, to try to learn from this experience. Look back on the relationship as an outsider, and try to find any warning signs. See if there was anything about the way you acted in the relationship that you didn't like, and work on changing those things. Try to identify the things about him that upset or bothered you, and make note of those things. Healing a broken heart is a very important time for us to grow and learn about ourselves as individuals. I can't think of any other experience that forces people to learn about themselves so much in such a short amount of time -- so use this time to evolve and become a better version of yourself.

And who knows? Maybe after enough days in a row, and enough introspection, you will wake up and realize that this guy wasn't your ideal guy, and you're happy the relationship is over so that you can go out into the world a better person, ready to meet someone who will make you even happier!

This, too, shall pass...

Love,
Sarah




Dear Sarah,

I really want to get into modeling but people say you have to be careful because some agencies will try to rip you off by charging you. I've heard so many rumors about it. I don't know what to do, and my friends are no help because they don't get me. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on what agencies are meant to do, and how I know I'm not getting ripped off.

Sincerely,
I Wanna Be a Scene Model

Dear "Scene" Model Wannabe,

I was honestly considering possible, thoughtful answers to your question until I got to your signature: I Wanna Be a Scene Model. What does 'scene model' mean? To me, it means those girls you see on TV and the internet who aren't quite actresses, aren't quite runway models, aren't quite anything but still end up on the covers of magazines and in reality television shows.

There is a certain lack of substance that goes along with being a 'model' in the world today. It's all about looks, sure, but it's gotten even shallower than that. I mean, at least in beauty pageants you have to have a talent, an education, and goals. But with the internet and television, modeling has become synonymous with wearing expensive clothes and too much makeup, hanging around at celebrity parties, and being a vapid, spoiled rich kid.

You are very young, so my advice to you would be to find a way to get into modeling through more traditional channels like pageants, talent shows, etc. Get your parents involved so they can protect you and be responsible for business decisions. Research the industry online and see how legitimate models (not "scene" models) have become successful in the business. I don't know much about agencies, but my instinct tells me that they should want YOU, and want to pay YOU -- not the other way around. There are way more scam artists in the world than there are legitimate people, so question every contract, every promise, and every person that you come across.

Lastly, click here, to read my advice column from 12/25/08, Question 3 of 3, where I discuss a similar topic about modeling and internet celebs. Ask yourself why you want to become a model, and if it's for the right reasons.

Love,
Sarah