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QUESTION 1 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I'm confused about my best friend. She always copies my style and acts the same way as me, etc. At first it didn't bother me, but it's getting out of hand.

I want her to have her own style and not copy mine. What should I do?

Submitted by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Imitation is the highest form of flattery. When someone looks up to you because of your interests or your style or your hobbies, especially if they don't really have their own independent identity, their instinct is to recreate what you are doing, but in their own way. So you should take it as a compliment, in a weird, backwards kind of way.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it without potentially losing the friendship. She may not even realize that she is copying you, so if you point it out to her, she may feel embarrassed and hurt. If she's doing it on purpose, then you calling her out will make her defensive and angry.

I had a few copycats in high school, and even after high school, but the thing that helped me get over it in a hurry was being absolutely confident in who I was, what my tastes were, what my style was, etc. By being sure of myself, I was able to be light-hearted when someone would come to school or work wearing almost the exact same outfit I wore the day before; or when someone would start using a certain phrase of mine; or when someone began carrying a copy of my favorite book around. I knew they were still searching, and I wasn't, and someday they'd find their own identity and let go of mine.

Don't worry, the people close to you will know who the original is, and who the copycats are.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I'm really worried about my friend. She just got a new boyfriend, who is a guy that I used to have a crush on. But his friends advised me to be careful, that he wouldn't care about me. So I did, and my feelings passed. But now my friend is dating him, and she didn't get fair warning. Now he's being a jerk, and his friends are always making fun of her. She's a bright smiley girl, and he's not the happiest guy, and I'm friends with both of them, but I've known her longer and care for her more. She won't dump him, even though he doesn't show affection. She's the kind of girl who could get any guy she wanted, and she's happy, but he's not so happy, and I can't make her see that.

What do I do to show her?

Submitted by: A Worried Friend

Dear Worried Friend,

While I appreciate you wanting to protect your friend from getting hurt, I don't think there's much you can do but let her figure it out on her own. If she is happy, like you said, then nothing you can say will make her change her mind.

But I have a question: why didn't you give her the same warning -- the one this guy's friends gave to you -- when she first started seeing him? If you care more about her than him, then your loyalty would have been to her and you would have warned her right away.

This brings me to my next question: how do you really feel about this guy? Sure his friends say he is a jerk, and you think he is acting distant in the relationship with your friend, but is there a chance that you might still like him? You say your feelings for him went away, but did they? The only reason I ask is that it's possible, somewhere deep inside, that you still have a crush on him. This would make it hard for you to see him with your good friend. Even if you would never act on it, you might still have feelings of jealousy that he is with her, or that she is happy with him after he was a jerk before.

I think it's important, when we have strong reactions to other people's decisions or situations, to analyze what is causing us to feel that way. What's the root of the feeling? Why should it bother us that much, what other people are doing, if they're not hurthing themselves or others? That's how you'll know what to do about the feeling: knowing the true source for it.

If this guy does something wrong that you know about for sure, you should tell her. And if you think she is changing for the worse because of the relationship, tell her. Other than that, all you can do is be a good friend to her, and try to get over whatever is causing you to be resentful of their relationship (no matter how lame you think the dude be). It should be about your friend's happiness, after all.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I've always struggled with extremely bad self-esteem, but lately it's been getting worse. I've begun to feel extremely lonely even when I'm around my friends, and I've begun to dread school completely, oftentimes falling into a 'depressed' state on the evening of a Sunday upon the realization that I have to go to school the next day. (This depressed state stemming from feelings that everyone at school seems to hate me, and the inane sense of loneliness that accompanies this.)

Not only this, but recently, the girl that I would have considered to be one of the greatest friends I have ever made in my lifetime has been growing apart from me. The part that saddens me the most about this is the fact that she doesn't seem to care much to let this stop. I've been trying my best to get reacquainted with her, offering to hang out or spend some time together, but she makes up excuses and blows me off for her other friends. This isn't helping with my severe feelings of loneliness, and I feel as though I have no friends when I walk the halls at school. I've tried to make new friends, but people seem to brush me off, or I guess I'm not outgoing enough? I don't know what it is. I hate these feelings of such extreme, and I don't know what to do about them.

Any advice you could lend on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

Signed,
Lonely

Dear Lonely,

I don't think this is necessarily a low self-esteem issue (I should know, I suffer from it too). It sounds like you are starting to out-grow your surroundings. What I mean is, you are starting to become more comfortable with who you are and what you like, and the people and things that used to hold your interest are starting to feel foreign to you.

I did some snooping and discovered that you are a very interesting, creative person. You're pretty, you seem to have a lot of interests and a style and voice that are uniquely yours. My guess is that you spend a lot of time thinking, analyzing, wondering about the world around you. You might keep a journal that you write in every day, or you listen to the lyrics in songs as if they were written for you. You are probably very sensitive at times, and worry what people think about you sometimes. Congratulations: you are AWARE. You are paying attention to the world and asking questions about it, which means you are thinking, and living consciously. So many people go through life in a fog, never trying to figure out who they are or how they want to interact with the world. You will live a much more passionate, exciting, and full life because you are conscious of yourself and the world around you!

This is all a very natural part of evolving into the person you are going to become. It can be painful to feel like you don't relate to people, or that you are all alone with no one who understands you. But it's a necessary part of maturing and growing up. So it's actually a positive thing. And believe me when I say that it will pass, sooner than you think.

I say, embrace your indepedence. Use your creative outlets to express your emotions -- turn the negative into positive. Find solace in good books, friends online, and your family. Try to seek out new friends in different places, like art shows or concerts. Put yourself in new situations that revolve around your hobbies and your interests. If you're going to find people with whom you have lots in common and can feel comfortable around, it will probably be in an environment that you are familiar and comfortable with. And write about it. Always write about these things -- you'll be amazed by how much working things out in writing can help work things out in your head as well.

As for your friend pulling away from you: this is one of the hardest parts about changing and evolving. You often drift away from people who were once closest to you. As your interests and goals change, their interests and goals change too. It's incredibly difficult to let friendships fade, but we all go through it and it will definitely happen more than once in your life. The good thing is, usually with some time most people come back around, if they were good people to begin with. Maybe you and your friend need to go down different paths for now, but that doesn't mean the paths won't meet up in the future! Just let her know you still care, and that you're still her friend, and if she doesn't want to invest as much in the friendship, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about her.

The best thing you can do when your emotions start to get the best of you is to turn and face them, and own them, and control them instead of letting them control you. Not that you shouldn't allow yourself to feel emotions, even painful ones, but accept that fact that you are feeling them, and try to find the positive side to feeling them -- turn those emotions into something productive that you can use to build the foundation of your personality one story higher.

Love,
Sarah