February 26, 2009Weekly Column: Ask Me Anything! by Sarah Saturday [02/26/09]***Submit questions to me via message!*** Dear Sarah, I've got my eye on you. QUESTION 1 of 3 I've never had a good relationship with my dad. He's loud, obnoxious, has no sense of time, is selfish and sexist. He doesn't think of me as his "little girl," he sees me as a little freak. I don't like talking to him, but sometimes I can't avoid him. I need a good way to deal with him until I leave for college. I know he has problems and he's clinically depressed, but it's hard to understand his issues when he's so irritable. What can I do? Submitted by: http://bellreavue.buzznet.com Dear Living w/ Difficult Dad, It can be really hard when one of your parents doesn't give you the love and respect that you deserve as a human being -- and that you expect as their child. It's hard to recognize that your parents are individuals who have their own sets of issues, baggage, and emotions. It's weird to think that they were once your age, and probably had the same frustrations with their parents as you now have with yours. Now, that being said, you are still living at home, and your parents are (presumably) paying the bills and putting food on the table. That's definitely something you should be grateful for, and it's reason enough for you to try to be polite and courteous for as long as you are living at home. You don't have to LIKE it, but you should be a good and decent person by at least respecting the fact that your parents provide for you. Before you decide to cut your father out of your life altogether, I'd strongly suggest talking to someone who is close to both your father and you -- someone in your family, like your mom, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc. Tell them how your dad makes you feel and ask them if they can help talk to your dad about his behavior. You might also want to suggest going to family therapy with your dad and anyone else in your family who might be affected by his attitude. If he is depressed and has other psychological issues, then his behavior is stemming from somewhere deep inside that has nothing to do with you; unfortunately, you're one of the people closest to him, so it's easy for him to take it out on you. Talking to family and friends, and trying to get help, should always be the first things you try in situations like this. You should always have someone in your family who is your sounding board, to help you through these kinds of situations, and to stand up for you when you need it. Once you have someone to help you discuss the issue with your father -- be it a family member, relative, or therapist -- I think it's important that you put into words what you want and need from your father. Remember: he is an individual. He makes his own choices based on his own set of life experiences, and you can't let the way he treats you affect the way you view yourself. You have to hold him to the same standards you would hold anyone else; and if he doesn't live up to those standards, you can't blame yourself or feel bad about yourself because of it. He needs to do the right thing, to act like an adult, and to be a good father to you. He needs to be held responsible for his decisions and his actions. You can't fix him, you can only tell him what you expect from him and what you need from the relationship. Once you have laid it all out on the table, it's up to him to do the right thing. He needs to want to fix himself, and if he doesn't, you have to be prepared to give up on that relationship. I would start right now by putting on paper how he makes you feel, how he upsets and disappoints you, and how you wish he would act differently. List examples of things he does that makes you not want to interact with him. Explain the feelings you get when he does those things. Next, write down stuff about him that you like, good memories that you have, and the ways you wish he would change. You might be surprised by what spills onto the page once you start writing everything down. If all else fails, you might want to consider writing him a letter that contains all those thoughts. I always find that it's easier to explain my feelings in writing than in person. Maybe your dad just doesn't realize how he is making you feel. The last thing I'll say is that we all go through a phase in high school where we feel very alienated from our parents. It seems like they could never understand what we are going through, and their only goal in life is to make our lives a living hell. But I guarantee that this changes over time. If you can be level-headed and realistic about things, and take everything with a grain of salt, it will get better. Underneath all the crap and the bad decisions and the fights and the selfishness, every parent loves their child, and wants their child to love them back. Love, Sarah QUESTION 2 of 3 Dear Sarah,I know this is a simple question, but I really need help with it. I'm fifteen and my boyfriend just broke up with me. He was my first official boyfriend. I've had someone break up with me once before but he wasn't really my boyfriend. But this time it hurts so much more. He was my best friend. We'd tell each other EVERYTHING. And we could act like idiots with each other. It was so fun. He still talks to me every day and he said we're still best friends. But he says it's hard to be best friends because I'll always want to be more and he doesn't. He said he broke up with me because he just lost his feelings for me. But I didn't even do anything wrong. He had this school play which he really wanted me to join with him so we could spend more time together. But I said no, and that made him really upset. But I didn't think it would make him stop loving me. He said that's not the main reason, but that's what started the loss of his feelings. I have a feeling that we can make it through this like we always had. We were together for a year and three months. I miss all the times we spent together. It hurts not knowing we can't spend time together anymore. I don't know what to do. I want to get over him but I don't know how. My friends aren't always there for me. They have transferred to different schools and they have new friends so I'm all alone. Please help me. How can I get over him? What should I do? Sincerely, Heartbroken Loner Dear Heartbroken, OUCH. I've been here before and it is NOT fun. I'm truly sorry you are going through this right now. I wish the heartache could go away overnight, but unfortunately that's just not how this stuff works. All you can do right now is take things one day at a time. Each day, whether you feel it or not, your heart and mind are healing. It's important to let this process run its course, and not try to cover it up or ignore it or make it go faster. It is okay to feel hurt, sad, lonely, and all of those things. Take your time healing so you don't end up with any scars! Now, as for the "staying friends" thing: I've tried this before. It was a similar situation. I was totally in love with this guy, and then one day he just broke up with me, seemingly out of nowhere. I was devastated! But then he said he still wanted to be friends, and to be honest I said I wanted to be friends too, but only because I wanted to be close to him in the hopes that he would fall back in love with me. Eventually it got too complicated, and he said the same thing to me about it being hard to stay friends because he knew I wanted more. That was the first and last time I tried staying friends with an ex-boyfriend immediately after a break-up. No matter who dumps whom, or why you broke up, there still needs to be some time apart. You can't go straight from having one type of intimate relationship to another without some distance, so you can both heal. If you two are meant to be together, you'll end up together. But you can't force it. He has been (brutally) honest about his feelings, so you must respect that, and not try to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go. On the other hand, it's not fair of him to try to keep you to himself under the guise of a friendship. He probably likes the attention and affection he was used to having from you when you were together, and he doesn't want to let go of that. But he needs to know that he either gets you, or he doesn't. He can't have his cake and eat it, too! I think you need to tell him that you need your space. You don't have to get into a big discussion about, just tell him that you need to not talk to him or hang out with him for a while, until you think you are ready for a friendship. And then you really need to stick to it. In a way, it will be like you are breaking up with him, which can be just as hard to getting dumped. But you have to stick to the plan. In an ideal world, you'll end the friendship, and he'll start to miss you and realize what a jerk he's been and beg you to take him back. But you should not expect that to happen. In fact, you should expect the worst. That way, you won't be caught off-guard or hurt all over again when he doesn't try to get back together. Most importantly, though: take this time to focus on yourself, and on starting a new chapter in your life. Try making new friends, or getting involved with after-school activities, taking up new hobbies, exercising more, spending time with your family, etc. Start a new art project, read a book, get a new haircut. Rearrange your bedroom, delete your Myspace account, take guitar lessons. Fill your time, and your mind, with anything that will keep you from obsessing on this situation -- and then, just take it one day at a time. Every morning, your heart will feel a little lighter. Be sure to look inside yourself during this time as well, to try to learn from this experience. Look back on the relationship as an outsider, and try to find any warning signs. See if there was anything about the way you acted in the relationship that you didn't like, and work on changing those things. Try to identify the things about him that upset or bothered you, and make note of those things. Healing a broken heart is a very important time for us to grow and learn about ourselves as individuals. I can't think of any other experience that forces people to learn about themselves so much in such a short amount of time -- so use this time to evolve and become a better version of yourself. And who knows? Maybe after enough days in a row, and enough introspection, you will wake up and realize that this guy wasn't your ideal guy, and you're happy the relationship is over so that you can go out into the world a better person, ready to meet someone who will make you even happier! This, too, shall pass... Love, Sarah QUESTION 3 of 3 Dear Sarah, I really want to get into modeling but people say you have to be careful because some agencies will try to rip you off by charging you. I've heard so many rumors about it. I don't know what to do, and my friends are no help because they don't get me. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on what agencies are meant to do, and how I know I'm not getting ripped off. Sincerely, I Wanna Be a Scene Model Dear "Scene" Model Wannabe, I was honestly considering possible, thoughtful answers to your question until I got to your signature: I Wanna Be a Scene Model. What does 'scene model' mean? To me, it means those girls you see on TV and the internet who aren't quite actresses, aren't quite runway models, aren't quite anything but still end up on the covers of magazines and in reality television shows. There is a certain lack of substance that goes along with being a 'model' in the world today. It's all about looks, sure, but it's gotten even shallower than that. I mean, at least in beauty pageants you have to have a talent, an education, and goals. But with the internet and television, modeling has become synonymous with wearing expensive clothes and too much makeup, hanging around at celebrity parties, and being a vapid, spoiled rich kid. You are very young, so my advice to you would be to find a way to get into modeling through more traditional channels like pageants, talent shows, etc. Get your parents involved so they can protect you and be responsible for business decisions. Research the industry online and see how legitimate models (not "scene" models) have become successful in the business. I don't know much about agencies, but my instinct tells me that they should want YOU, and want to pay YOU -- not the other way around. There are way more scam artists in the world than there are legitimate people, so question every contract, every promise, and every person that you come across. Lastly, click here, to read my advice column from 12/25/08, Question 3 of 3, where I discuss a similar topic about modeling and internet celebs. Ask yourself why you want to become a model, and if it's for the right reasons. Love, Sarah
Posted on 02/26/2009 12:28 AM Comments (2)
February 14, 200910 Things I Love (And Why I Love Them)For the Hearts & Handshakes group!  In no particular order... (1) What: Coffee Why: It makes every morning feel a little bit like Christmas. (2) What: Snuggling Why: Whether it's with someone special, a puppy, or a pile of blankets... It's one of the best feelings on earth. (3) What: Accomplishments Why: There's no payoff as great as reaching a goal you have set for yourself, by your own efforts. (4) What: Learning About Myself Why: I'm my own unfolding story: the more I learn about my main character, the better the plot gets. (5) What: Grand Gestures Why: Every girl loves a knight in shining armor. (6) What: Old Books Why: Something about the look, feel, and smell of yellowing old pages in a book makes me feel nostalgic. (7) What: Inspiring Conversations Why: Being able to connect with other human beings through ideas is the best kind of high there is. (8) What: Bittersweet Songs Why: They're my favorite kind of song: not just sad, not just happy, but perfectly poignant and heart-wrenching. (9) What: Making Things Why: Losing oneself in the creation of something is the most fundamental form of therapy there is. (10) What: Life Why: We won the freaking lottery, people. Enjoy it.
Posted on 02/14/2009 4:03 AM Comments (7)
February 5, 2009Weekly Column: Ask Me Anything! by Sarah Saturday [02/05/09]***Submit your advice questions via message!*** Want to get random texts from me? Click here! Become a member of the Saturdaylist!  Watching "Reno 911" and writing... Not a bad way to pass the time. QUESTION 1 of 3 Dear Sarah, Ever since I can remember, I've had trouble making friends, and tend to be stand-offish when I meet new people. I also have trouble making eye contact with people. Every time I'm in a new environment I become introverted and get anxious easily. How can I change this? I want to learn how to talk to people, but I get too anxious. Love, Introverted But Trying (Anonymous) Dear Introverted, It is totally normal to have a sense of apprehension or nervousness when you are in a new situation, or meeting new people. We're always most comfortable around people that we already know, in places that are already familiar to us. When I was in high school, there was a group of people (mostly girls) who didn't like me because they said I was stuck-up and full of myself. In reality, I was pretty shy, and intimidated by those people who were always the loud, abrasive, seemingly confident kids in school. I was the person who kept to myself in social situations, where I didn't know anyone. Most of that was a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to handle any situation. It takes time to build "confidence" -- and "confidence" doesn't necessarily mean being loud, talkative, or the center of attention. Confidence, by definition, is "belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-reliance; assurance." The better you know yourself, your beliefs, your boundaries, and your likes/dislikes, the better you'll be able to adapt to new situations. You'll be able to answer any question, or chime in on any conversation, because you'll know what you think and why you think it. You'll also trust your judgment in any situation, and if you don't want to be there, you will have no problem leaving because you'll know why you don't feel comfortable. Part of being scared to open up in a social setting is the fear of being rejected, or of saying something "wrong" and being made fun of. The more time you work on developing who you are at your core, the less you will worry about other people's reactions. As your confidence in yourself grows, you will come out of your shell more and more. But it definitely takes time to learn about yourself. Another thing you can do to overcome your fear in social situations is this: view your fear as if it is a bratty little kid who is throwing a temper tantrum, trying to ruin your day. Annoying, right? But, as we all know, the fastest way to get a bratty kid to stop throwing a temper tantrum is to IGNORE the tantrum. So, instead of letting your fear overcome you, punish it by intentionally acting the opposite of the way it wants you to react. If you walk into a party and your fear tells you to look down at the floor, ignore it, and intentionally looking into every person's eyes that you pass. Punish your fear even more by *smiling* at those people, while you are making eye contact. If you are in a big group of people and your fear tells you not to talk to anyone, ignore it and ask someone what time it is, then punish your fear even more by introducing yourself to the person, and asking them about themselves. When you get anxious in a social situation, it's your fear telling you that something terrible will happen if you open up and make yourself vulnerable. But that's not the case! I can guarantee that after enough times of punishing your fear by going against what it tells you to do, the fear will start to subside, just like how the bratty kid eventually gives up and goes back to playing with his toys. As for the anxiety: depending on how bad it actually is, there are a few things you can do. You should start by reading about social anxiety online. A lot of people have issues with social anxiety, but the more serious cases can require therapy or medication. If you haven't talked to a therapist, it might be worth it to schedule a few sessions. I am a firm believer that everyone can benefit from therapy; I've overcome a lot of issues in my life just by talking to a professional and getting some tips and tricks for handling stuff like depression, anxiety, stress, etc. Strengthen your core to build your confidence, and punish your fear when it tries to throw temper tantrums. You're 100 times more interesting than most people you will ever meet, and there's nothing you can do or say in a social setting that will cause any permanent damage... Trust me! Love, Sarah QUESTION 2 of 3 Dear Sarah,I need your help. You see, my cousin and I never used to get along when we were little kids. We always fought over the stupidest things. But in December of 2007, my family and I visited relatives for a few weeks. During that time we attended a a wedding. I didn't know my cousin was going to be there, but when I saw him wearing his tuxedo and looking really elegant, I stopped thinking of him as a little boy and found myself in front of a handsome gentleman. We had a great time at the wedding. We danced and ate strawberries from a chocolate fountain. He was paying more attention to me than my brother (with whom he used to get along very well). After the wedding, we started to spend more time together. We hugged more, and he would always touch my hand, and he taught me how to ride a skateboard. We would even joke about getting married. Later he confessed that the same thing happened to him when he saw me wearing my red dress at the wedding. He didn't think of me as that little girl who cried for everything anymore; now he thought of me as something more, a "gorgeous girl" (in his own words). We saw each other again during spring break in 2008. The same happened -- touching hands, joking around, kissing on the cheek. A few months later, during summer vacation, things got more interesting. He came to stay for about three weeks at my house. Everything was alright during the day, while he and my brother and I would hang out together. But at night we would sneak into the living room to watch the moon from the window, and at times he would grab my hand, or play with my hair, or lay his head on my lap so I could play with his hair... *sigh* ...until one night, I don't know how it happened, but we kissed! Imagine, my first kiss, and it was with my cousin! We felt weird at first, but then everything felt normal again. Then during Christmas vacation in 2008, the same thing happened again. Everything seems to indicate that we are in love with each other, but the problem is that we are COUSINS! His mom and my mom are SISTERS! Imagine what our family would do if they found out about us. They'd kill us, for sure. But can I blame my heart for choosing him? I know it's strange that of all the people in the world, I had to fall in love with him, but it's him I want. And I can't have him because: 1. Our family would kill us if they found out, 2. Society still discriminates marriages between cousins, or people from the same family, 3. Religion calls it as a sin, and 4. Science has discovered that when two persons of the same family have a baby, the probabilities of birth defects are higher. Please help me! What would you do if you were me? Sincerely, Forbidden Love (Anonymous) Dear Forbidden, Wow. This is one of the toughest questions anyone has ever asked me. I thought a lot about it, and tried to think about what I would do in your situation. Then I did a little bit of research online, just to see what everyone else has to say about it -- I was actually surprised by what I found! First, though, here is what I would do... Talk to your cousin about your feelings. Try to remove the intensity, the thrill of the forbidden, and the drama from the situation and just have a discussion about the reality of what is happening. Maybe you should do this on the phone. Find out how he feels and what he wants to do about it. Examine your own feelings as logically as possible (again, removing the stuff that clouds your judgment). Are your feelings as real as you think they are? Are they real enough to put your relationship with your parents, your relatives, and possibly your friends, at risk, forever? Then, ask yourself: do you think it's possible that somewhere in the world there is a guy who could make you feel the same way this guys makes you feel? Do you think there is even a 1% chance that you could fall in love with someone else, someday, when you are older? A 10% chance? 30%? Do you see where I'm going with this? First loves, first kisses, first thrills... They are extremely intense. It's hard to think straight and it feels like the biggest and most important thing that has ever happened. My first love was one of those "bad" guys that parents always hate. His name was Chris. He skipped school and went to parties, and my parents hated him so much they got a restraining order against him! This, of course, only made the "love" more intense -- we couldn't have it so we wanted it ten times more. Eventually I convinced my parents to give him a chance, and he won them over, and we fell happily into love and were together for a long time. But... my first love was also my first heartbreak. He cheated on me, and it was probably one of the most devastating, painful things I'll ever go through. After high school, I started meeting new people and having new experiences, and I realized how big the world was and how many possibilities lay ahead. Since then, I've had many intense, passionate, and amazing relationships. But when I was 14, if you had asked me who I was going to marry, I would have said "Chris." What I'm getting at is, the chances are greater that you will NOT end up marrying your first love. It's more likely that will have a lot of relationships before you find the right guy to spend your life with. You, yourself, have a lot of changing and growing to do before you will be ready to marry anyone. You've got so many experiences ahead of you! So you have to ask yourself: would it be worth it to choose your cousin as your first love, knowing that it is more likely that you won't end up marrying your first love? Would it be worth it to put your entire family through such an extreme shock, for something that probably won't last? Think about what it would be like after you broke up, both of you with broken hearts, and how difficult it would be to spend the rest of your lives seeing each other at family reunions, holidays, weddings, funerals? Would it be worth it? But if the answer is yes, then I would challenge both of you to take one year to think about it. Pick a date one year in the future, and agree that you will not see each other or talk to each other for one full year. You can write letters to each other but you can't send them. Make other arrangements during spring and summer breaks so you don't have to see each other. If you really, truly love each other and you are really, truly meant to be together forever, then one year of waiting will be nothing. During that year, focus on having fun, doing well in school, developing your hobbies, and meeting new guys. See if there are any guys at your school that you could like. Go to rock shows, art shows, sporting events, church events, etc., and see if you can't find at least one other guy to crush on. Try to put your cousin out of your mind. Open yourself up to the possibilities of new experiences and new people. If, after a full year, you can't put him out of your mind... If you still think you love him and want to be with him... Well, write to me again and I'll tell you what to do next. ;) Now, as for my "research" on the topic... I found a lot of information online, including the list of states in the US that forbid marriage between first cousins. I was surprised to find that only half of the states don't allow it! Here are some other interesting things I found, all of which would need a lot of fact-checking before it was presented as truth:
Here's to hoping I hear from you in a year... Love, Sarah QUESTION 3 of 3 Dear Sarah,My friend's boyfriend and I are pretty good friends. But since she's been going out with him, she has started accusing me of flirting with him, or trying to get him to dump her. I haven't been doing either of these things. How can I get her to believe me? Love, A Trustworthy Friend (Anonymous) Dear Trustworthy Friend, This one is pretty simple, as long as everyone is being honest with themselves and with each other. If you don't have any feelings whatsoever for your friend's boyfriend, then there is nothing you can do but continue to reassure your friend that you are not flirting with him, that you don't like him that way, and that you just want to be his friend. It's up to her to believe you, and to believe the truth. If your friendship with this girl is more important than your friendship with the guy, then you might consider backing off, and not hanging out with him or talking to him online unless your friend is there. If she has self-esteem or trust issues, she will feel threatened or paranoid when her boyfriends are talking to other girls (no matter who the girls are), especially when she isn't around. So you might want to show your devotion to your friend by funneling all of your contact with the guy through her. This will help her feel more secure and in control of the situation. You should also talk to your friend and ask her why she thinks these things. Where does her paranoia come from? Is it from how you are acting, or how the guy is acting? Is it possible that she has reasons to be concerned? Maybe it has nothing to do with the guy OR with you. Maybe it stems from some deeper issue that she is dealing with. Are her parents divorced? Does she have anything in her past that would affect her ability to trust people, especially females in her life? I'm asking all these questions because I can relate to your friend's paranoia. I've been in situations where I secretly worried that my friend had feelings for my boyfriend, or that my boyfriend secretly had a crush on my friend. This stems from trust issues I have with my father, who had an affair when I was really little. My parents' divorce affected my self-esteem as well, and that has also caused issues in my relationships with guys. Unfortunately, the people closest to me have been affected by my personal issues, but being able to talk about it with friends has helped me a lot over the years. So just be honest, reassuring, consistent in your behavior, and supportive of your friend. This probably has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with your friend's self-esteem issues. (Maybe you should tell her to write to me. *wink wink*) Love, Sarah
Posted on 02/05/2009 11:59 PM Comments (20)
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