Sarahsaturday's Journals

So now then.

Here we are, halfway through 2009. It's been a ridiculous year (life?) for me so far, but I'm excited to finally have a plan that will take me through the rest of this year, and hopefully set up all of 2010, and beyond.

It's been a long time since I had a two-year plan, or even a six-month plan for that matter.

So here it is. If you want to get involved, let me know and I will find a place for you:

JULY:

Begin co-booking national Gardening, Not Architecture tour with Gavin Castleton
Finish mixing the new album with Beau
Play a bunch of shows
Co-host an amazing podcast every Monday night
Design and create the new handmade artwork for the upcoming G,NA release
Update my online store
Stop eating so much junk food
Avoid going on dates, or avoid boys in general
Take some photographs for the album with Beau, the secret other half of G,NA

AUGUST:

Begin promoting national tour, hopefully with your help
Design and create handmade CD and vinyl(?) sleeves
Find vans on the west coast and east coast to use on tour
Design and program a new light show
Finish mastering new record
Have a massive going-away party
Eat a lot of cupcakes
Listening party in Los Angeles when the album is done?

SEPTEMBER & OCTOBER & INTO NOVEMBER:

http://gavincastleton.com/promotional/falltour2009/

NOVEMBER:

Make more music videos with Coatwolf
Play fun shows
Make more stuff
Have dance parties
Sleep a lot
Start booking for 2010
Buy Christmas presents

DECEMBER:

Make some rad G,NA collectibles for Christmas presents
Start working on new songs
Eat some cake
Think about how awesome 2009 was, in comparison to 2008
Finalize early 2010 tour dates
Go into hiding at parents' house in the mountains of North Carolina

I know it sounds like a lot -- especially the parts about eating cake and sleeping -- but it's a group effort. Let me know if you want to be part of the cultivation! This is gardening, not architecture.

Love,
Sarah

Confessions Of A Prom Queen

I never wanted to be the prom queen.

Where I grew up, in a town of about 10,000 people in the middle of Wisconsin, prom was as typical as it gets: blonde-haired, blue-eyed football star and the head cheerleader with the impossibly skinny legs being crowned while nerds and castaways stand dateless on the edge of the gym, glaring on.

I remember going to the prom my sophomore year, watching them crown the king and queen: they looked like Barbie and Ken, which was the farthest thing from my style or my scene. It never occurred to me that one year later I might be standing up there while Barbie put a crown on MY head.

So ten months later, when they started passing out the ballots for our junior class to elect candidates to the court, I didn’t think anything of it. The first round of voting was for the guys, and I wrote in my good friend Steve.

Steve was one of my best friends and we were part of a close-knit group of friends in our class, sometimes nicknamed “Snow White and The Seven Dwarves.” We had found each other starting in junior high school and by our junior year of high school had solidified into an inseparable unit.

What set us apart from the other groups and cliques in school was that we centralized ourselves, and befriended EVERYONE.

We had the class president, the lead singer of the band, the guy who wore eyeliner and tutus to school, the book-smart guy who had all the secret hookups, the snowboarder/skater kid, the artist, and then Steve: the industrial theater kid with dyed black hair and Joy Division shirts. And me.

I was all over the board in high school: I played bass in a rock band, was on the basketball and tennis teams, dabbled in band and choir, loved art and creative writing, and got in trouble from time to time for my anti-establishment tendencies (like petitioning against firing progressive teachers, or being late to homeroom almost every single day).

Together, our little clan had somehow managed to unite the different groups of kids in our class, and it wasn’t that weird to see jocks and art geeks and punks sitting at the same table during lunch. So when it was announced a couple of weeks later that the votes had been counted and my good friend Steve had been nominated for prom court, nobody was that surprised.

The surprising part came next. The now-nominated guys needed to pick the girls they wanted to join them on prom court. Several agonizing days went by, during which all the guys were talking to their friends and figuring out who would be best-suited to join each of them in the race for the crown. I still didn’t consider that Steve might ask me, even though we were such close friends. I guess I figured I was just “one of the guys.” So when he did ask me, I was blown away, but touched by the gesture and happily accepted.

Plans for prom started coming together; I found a dress that I loved and decided to ask my very first boyfriend-turned-friend to be my date for the big night. Our gang decided we’d host our own after-prom party at our friend’s parents’ farmhouse where we could be loud and stay up late and have plenty of couches to sleep on. Being that none of us liked typical approaches to old clichés, we didn’t get a limo or go to fancy dinners. My date and I went to one of our favorite restaurants and met up with everyone at the dance.

The final voting for the prom king and queen had ended the day before the dance, but Steve and I had already decided that there was no way we’d be voted the winners. While we got along great with most people in our class, the odds were against us with several other couples in the court being the typical blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties and the obvious next-of-kin to last year’s Barbie and Ken.

But we were happy just to be part of the whole experience, and happy that our friends supported us so much and we were all there together.

Maybe that’s why, when we were all standing on the risers waiting for them to announce the king and queen, Steve and I were totally calm and just smiling about the irony of the whole situation, never expecting that we would hear our names over the loudspeakers.

And maybe that’s why, when we did hear our names, it didn’t register with either of us right away, and a full three or four seconds passed before we realized they had called US, and that everyone in the gymnasium was cheering for us, and that Barbie and Ken from last year’s prom were beckoning us down to accept our crowns.

It wasn’t the fact that we won that made the moment so surreal, and so moving. It was the fact that our class had elected the two least-likely people to represent them as their prom king and queen. In a tiny, off-the-map farm town that should have succumbed to stereotypical typecasting and run-of-the-mill high school plotlines, one high school class completely broke the rules and turned two ugly ducklings into swans, proving that people from all sides of the tracks can get along, be friends, appreciate each other’s differences, and promote individuality.

For those reasons, being prom queen meant something different to me; it showed me that there is hope for the character in human beings, and it made me proud to be my own, unique individual.

Weekly Column: Ask Me Anything! by Sarah Saturday [04/23/09]

***Submit questions to me via message!***

Ooooh, look who's back!

QUESTION 1 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I'm confused about my best friend. She always copies my style and acts the same way as me, etc. At first it didn't bother me, but it's getting out of hand.

I want her to have her own style and not copy mine. What should I do?

Submitted by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Imitation is the highest form of flattery. When someone looks up to you because of your interests or your style or your hobbies, especially if they don't really have their own independent identity, their instinct is to recreate what you are doing, but in their own way. So you should take it as a compliment, in a weird, backwards kind of way.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it without potentially losing the friendship. She may not even realize that she is copying you, so if you point it out to her, she may feel embarrassed and hurt. If she's doing it on purpose, then you calling her out will make her defensive and angry.

I had a few copycats in high school, and even after high school, but the thing that helped me get over it in a hurry was being absolutely confident in who I was, what my tastes were, what my style was, etc. By being sure of myself, I was able to be light-hearted when someone would come to school or work wearing almost the exact same outfit I wore the day before; or when someone would start using a certain phrase of mine; or when someone began carrying a copy of my favorite book around. I knew they were still searching, and I wasn't, and someday they'd find their own identity and let go of mine.

Don't worry, the people close to you will know who the original is, and who the copycats are.

Love,
Sarah

QUESTION 2 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I'm really worried about my friend. She just got a new boyfriend, who is a guy that I used to have a crush on. But his friends advised me to be careful, that he wouldn't care about me. So I did, and my feelings passed. But now my friend is dating him, and she didn't get fair warning. Now he's being a jerk, and his friends are always making fun of her. She's a bright smiley girl, and he's not the happiest guy, and I'm friends with both of them, but I've known her longer and care for her more. She won't dump him, even though he doesn't show affection. She's the kind of girl who could get any guy she wanted, and she's happy, but he's not so happy, and I can't make her see that.

What do I do to show her?

Submitted by: A Worried Friend

Dear Worried Friend,

While I appreciate you wanting to protect your friend from getting hurt, I don't think there's much you can do but let her figure it out on her own. If she is happy, like you said, then nothing you can say will make her change her mind.

But I have a question: why didn't you give her the same warning -- the one this guy's friends gave to you -- when she first started seeing him? If you care more about her than him, then your loyalty would have been to her and you would have warned her right away.

This brings me to my next question: how do you really feel about this guy? Sure his friends say he is a jerk, and you think he is acting distant in the relationship with your friend, but is there a chance that you might still like him? You say your feelings for him went away, but did they? The only reason I ask is that it's possible, somewhere deep inside, that you still have a crush on him. This would make it hard for you to see him with your good friend. Even if you would never act on it, you might still have feelings of jealousy that he is with her, or that she is happy with him after he was a jerk before.

I think it's important, when we have strong reactions to other people's decisions or situations, to analyze what is causing us to feel that way. What's the root of the feeling? Why should it bother us that much, what other people are doing, if they're not hurthing themselves or others? That's how you'll know what to do about the feeling: knowing the true source for it.

If this guy does something wrong that you know about for sure, you should tell her. And if you think she is changing for the worse because of the relationship, tell her. Other than that, all you can do is be a good friend to her, and try to get over whatever is causing you to be resentful of their relationship (no matter how lame you think the dude be). It should be about your friend's happiness, after all.

Love,
Sarah

QUESTION 3 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I've always struggled with extremely bad self-esteem, but lately it's been getting worse. I've begun to feel extremely lonely even when I'm around my friends, and I've begun to dread school completely, oftentimes falling into a 'depressed' state on the evening of a Sunday upon the realization that I have to go to school the next day. (This depressed state stemming from feelings that everyone at school seems to hate me, and the inane sense of loneliness that accompanies this.)

Not only this, but recently, the girl that I would have considered to be one of the greatest friends I have ever made in my lifetime has been growing apart from me. The part that saddens me the most about this is the fact that she doesn't seem to care much to let this stop. I've been trying my best to get reacquainted with her, offering to hang out or spend some time together, but she makes up excuses and blows me off for her other friends. This isn't helping with my severe feelings of loneliness, and I feel as though I have no friends when I walk the halls at school. I've tried to make new friends, but people seem to brush me off, or I guess I'm not outgoing enough? I don't know what it is. I hate these feelings of such extreme, and I don't know what to do about them.

Any advice you could lend on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

Signed,
Lonely

Dear Lonely,

I don't think this is necessarily a low self-esteem issue (I should know, I suffer from it too). It sounds like you are starting to out-grow your surroundings. What I mean is, you are starting to become more comfortable with who you are and what you like, and the people and things that used to hold your interest are starting to feel foreign to you.

I did some snooping and discovered that you are a very interesting, creative person. You're pretty, you seem to have a lot of interests and a style and voice that are uniquely yours. My guess is that you spend a lot of time thinking, analyzing, wondering about the world around you. You might keep a journal that you write in every day, or you listen to the lyrics in songs as if they were written for you. You are probably very sensitive at times, and worry what people think about you sometimes. Congratulations: you are AWARE. You are paying attention to the world and asking questions about it, which means you are thinking, and living consciously. So many people go through life in a fog, never trying to figure out who they are or how they want to interact with the world. You will live a much more passionate, exciting, and full life because you are conscious of yourself and the world around you!

This is all a very natural part of evolving into the person you are going to become. It can be painful to feel like you don't relate to people, or that you are all alone with no one who understands you. But it's a necessary part of maturing and growing up. So it's actually a positive thing. And believe me when I say that it will pass, sooner than you think.

I say, embrace your indepedence. Use your creative outlets to express your emotions -- turn the negative into positive. Find solace in good books, friends online, and your family. Try to seek out new friends in different places, like art shows or concerts. Put yourself in new situations that revolve around your hobbies and your interests. If you're going to find people with whom you have lots in common and can feel comfortable around, it will probably be in an environment that you are familiar and comfortable with. And write about it. Always write about these things -- you'll be amazed by how much working things out in writing can help work things out in your head as well.

As for your friend pulling away from you: this is one of the hardest parts about changing and evolving. You often drift away from people who were once closest to you. As your interests and goals change, their interests and goals change too. It's incredibly difficult to let friendships fade, but we all go through it and it will definitely happen more than once in your life. The good thing is, usually with some time most people come back around, if they were good people to begin with. Maybe you and your friend need to go down different paths for now, but that doesn't mean the paths won't meet up in the future! Just let her know you still care, and that you're still her friend, and if she doesn't want to invest as much in the friendship, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it's about her.

The best thing you can do when your emotions start to get the best of you is to turn and face them, and own them, and control them instead of letting them control you. Not that you shouldn't allow yourself to feel emotions, even painful ones, but accept that fact that you are feeling them, and try to find the positive side to feeling them -- turn those emotions into something productive that you can use to build the foundation of your personality one story higher.

Love,
Sarah

G,NA TOUR DIARY! (Week Two)

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2009 -- Tour Manager swap! Dropped off Wyatt at the Sacramento airport and picked up Sumner, who will be with me for a week!
REDDING, CA
DOWNTOWN EATERY & LIBATIONS
w/ TATTON WHITE, JOHN TRE & LILAIC LOVE, LAST WORKHORSE

The Downtown Eatery is a new venue in Redding, and has the potential to become legendary, if you ask me! Matt Matlock puts a lot of work into booking and promoting shows here, and it's all-ages with a bar and delicious food and desserts (including vegan options). Everyone who ran the show/venue and came out to see the bands was nice, welcoming, and supportive. It was really inspiring to discover such a strong independent music scene on that long drive from the Bay area up to Oregon. Every band should stop and play here!

After the show, a group of us went to the Sun Dial bridge, which is beautiful at night! Then we all stayed up way too late hanging out and talking and looking at rad photos that Matt has taken at all the shows they've had so far. I hope they make a book of photos someday!

Big thanks to Matt, Tina, and Lili for a rad 20-hour hangout, haha.

MONDAY, MARCH 16, 2009 -- Yummy vegan lunch and then the drive to Eugene!
EUGENE, OR
COZMIC PIZZA
w/ NYGHTOWLL

Monday nights are always hard, especially at a pizza pub that isn't supposed to be having shows on Monday nights until summertime. Nevertheless, this show ended up being a lot of fun, thanks especially to Nyghtowll who played a really cool electronica set and brought out a bunch of friends!

Before the show, I did the EIY Talk Radio show from the car via Skype and my AT&T wireless card. It was kinda hard to hear my co-host, Dean, but I was able to answer all the IMs and hang out on the show for the first hour or so. Technology is amazing!

We decided to drive to Portland after the show, to crash at my friend Krist Krueger's house, where we spent the next three nights.

TUESDAY, MARCH 17, 2009 -- "Portland Hates Sarah" Day
PORTLAND, OR
KELLY'S OLYMPIAN
w/ REVERSE DOTTY

Tuesday started out great; we got brunch with Krist, set up camp in his living room to work and do laundry and relax before the show.

The laundromat was directly across the street from Krist's so I figured it was safe to leave stuff there and walk back to grab it, right? WRONG! After doing a couple of loads, I realized I had forgotten to wash my handmade G,NA shirt that I wear on stage every night (the one in all the pics). So I washed it in the sink and walked it over to put in the dryer for about 15 minutes. Twenty minutes later I walked back to grab it, and some chick was loading her laundry into the dryer where my shirt had been. I asked her where the shirt was, that had been in the dryer, and she said all that was in it when she opened it was the dryer sheet. We went through all of her laundry, and then I searched the entire place, and it was gone. Stolen!

Needless to say, I was supremely bummed. So we looked up the nearest AmApp and art supplies stores and headed out early to get supplies to make a new shirt. My friend Valient Himself (from Valient Thorr) called and when I told him the news, he offered me make me a new shirt as well. Rad!

After that, we headed downtown to the show and to meet up with Niki (fistinthesky.buzznet.com) who was the first Portland winner. Also at the venue when we got there was Josh, a friend of a friend who came out to support. So things started looking up for the day, but Portland still wasn't done messing with me.

During the sound check, my laptop started freaking out and playing all the backing tracks really distortedly through the headphones, and nothing I did would fix it. With only about 15 minutes before I was supposed to go on, I freaked out and called Wyatt who was at a St Patrick's Day party. Thank goodness for genius tech geek friends, because after troubleshooting some things, he figured out the issue and I was able to get the tracks to work.

The only other crappy thing that happened was that I left my cell phone in the bathroom, and when I realized it and went back to grab it, it was gone. So for about five minutes, I thought my phone had been stolen. But then some girl came up and told me she found it and gave it to the bartender. *PHEW!* Me without my phone is like... Me without my arms and legs! Or something!

Finally it was show time, and my set went off without a hitch. I even had some drunk guy in the front who was dancing and yelling about how much he liked my songs -- always makes for a fun show.

Reverse Dotty was amaaaaazing, totally weird and fun and dance-y. It ended up being a great show.

Afterwards, we parted ways with Niki who had to work early, and went to get food with Krist and his roommate Becky, then back to the house to work some more.

Finally got to bed at about 4am, feeling totally defeated by Portland.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 2009 -- Maybe Portland doesn't hate me after all.
PORTLAND, OR
MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB
w/ MEAN GIRLS, PARIS CAN WAIT

Woke up late, walked to get food with Krist, then set up in the living room to make my new shirt. I could only get big stencils so I decided to take the design in a whole new direction. I was pretty stoked on it until I realized I had messed up the spacing, and ran out of room for the last "E" in "ARCHITECTURE" on the front of the shirt. I just put it on the back. EFF IT

Load-in was a bit earlier so we headed over to meet the second Portland contest winner, Kimberly (kimberlymarie.buzznet.com), and her friend Lynsey. Niki also made it out to the show again, as did Josh. So it was a veritable crew!

This show was similar to the other pizza pub venue, in that the bands pretty much run the show themselves and pay for a sound person out of the door. Lauren was our sound girl for the evening, and from the moment she started blasting Mariah Carey during load-in, we knew she'd be a blast. Once the first band, Mean Girls, started sound-checking, we knew the whole night was going to be crazy. And we were right!

Mean Girls is three guys playing dance-electro pop songs with no vocals, but lots of random yelling from the drummer. Hilarious.

I played second, then Paris Can Wait (Liz Kelly) played last. She was an aboslute riot and had the entire room doubled-over with her stage banter. But when she was singing, her voice and melodies totally mesmerized us. It was a great way to end the show that started out sort of stressfully.

WATCH THE VIDEO WE MADE AFTER THE SHOW: CLICK HERE!

After the show, we all parted ways, and Sumner and I headed back to Krist's, where we ended up staying up late watching "Royal Tenanbaums."

THURSDAY, MARCH 19, 2009 -- Another laundromat trip, but this time I kept my eye on it.
SEATTLE, WA
RE-BAR
w/ THE CRILLS (PUNK ROCK KARAOKE)

After yet another delicious Portland brunch, we headed toward Seattle, to my friend Sara's house. Got there with enough time to stop by, say hi, and drop off our stuff.

This show was the first installment of Punk Rock Karaoke at the Re-Bar, and I was supposed to play between two sets of karaoke.

Jen (xjennersonx.buzznet.com), the Seattle winner of the Buzznet/Macbeth contest, who also helped me with both Seattle shows via SeattlePunk.org and her promotions company Ear Candy Northwest, met us at the show. My friend Sonya, who I went to elementary, junior, and high school with (and had not seen in almost 12 years) also came out to the show, which was insane! Sara and her friend came later, as did Thom and others from SPO, so it ended up being a fun, intimate show.

After the first set, I got up and did my show, and after that we called it a night rather than getting The Crills back up for a second set. Big thanks to Chas who put the show together with Dan from The Crills!

Post-show food was at a cute late-night diner on Broadway, then it was back to Sara's to watch "Wall-E" and fall asleep on the couch.

FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 2009 -- Total camp-out day at Sara's house until the show!
SEATTLE, WA
THE FUNHOUSE -- ARI'S BIRTHDAY!
w/ THE THEM, DEAD UNCLE STEAMER, POTBELLY, THE SKEXIES

Thom from SPO helped get me on this show, and I'm so glad he did because a DIY tour isn't complete without at least one crazy, honest, old-school, beer all over the floor, fists in the air, punk rock show! That's exactly what this show was, in celebration of local scene supporter and former house-show-thrower Ari's birthday.

I played first and was scared that it might not go over well with the people who had come out to see some straight-up punk bands, but amazingly it was really well-received and everyone was very supportive. For the rest of the night, all the growly singers would thank all the bands before them, including "Crazy Architecture" -- which might need to be the name of my next album.

WATCH A VIDEO OF THE THEM HERE!

Thom wanted me to play another set at the very end of the night, but someone kicked a water pipe and broke it, so they had to shut off the water in the club after the last band and kick everybody out. But hey, I was ready for it!

My friend Jessi, whom I've known since the Wisco days when I was recording pre-G,NA demos with Beau in the apartment he and Jessi shared, came out to the show, which was rad.

Big huge thanks to the SPO family for welcoming me into the fold. I can't wait to work on more projects with that community in the future -- especially if I get to go on tour opening for Butt Trumpet!

After the show we had to skidaddle back to Sara's to try to get some sleep before the next day's super-long drive to Nampa.

SATURDAY, MARCH 21, 2009 -- This little piggy went drive, drive, drive, all the way to Nampa.
NAMPA, ID
THE FLYING M COFFEEGARAGE
w/ A CASSANDRA UTTERANCE, WE WON THE SCIENCE FAIR

What an amazing show! I'd been hearing great things about this venue but it definitely surpassed my expectations. After driving through crazy rainstorms and forgetting about the timezone change, we got there JUST in time for A Cassandra Utterance to go on. They're a great band on the EIY website (http://earnityourself.com/acassandrautterance) and it was awesome to finally see them live. Logan from We Won The Science Fair played a solo set after my set, and it was amazing! Just a great show all-around.

I met tons of rad people after the show, and the staff at Flying M was incredibly nice. I wish there was a coffee shop venue like this in every city!

We all decided to caravan to Salt Lake City to stay at ACU's house for the next couple days. The trip ended up taking about 6 hours, and we arrived at the house a little after 5AM to pass out.

HERE'S A VIDEO FROM THE START OF THE TRIP!

SUNDAY, MARCH 22, 2009 -- Changing of the guard! Bye bye Sumner, hello John Oakes!
SALT LAKE CITY, UT
SUGARHOUSE COFFEE
w/ KILIONA (from A CASSANDRA UTTERANCE)

After getting barely any sleep, we got up and headed to the airport, where I dropped off Tour Manager #2 (Sumner) and picked up Tour Manager #3 (John). After getting situated in the "tour bus," John and I headed to the show.

This was a mellow little show that ACU helped get us on. It was a rad coffee house that is the only place open late on Sundays in SLC. We played early and hung out for a bit at the coffee house before heading back to ACU's house to cook a big pasta dinner with salad and garlic bread. YUM

After dinner we all settled in while snow began to fall outside, and we listened to records (Earth, Wind and Fire, Lionel Richie, Doobie Brothers, Oingo Boingo, and more), baked some cookies, played Duck Hunt, and just chilled.

It started snowing and we had a photoshoot!

G,NA TOUR DIARY! (Partial Week One)

TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 2009 -- Tour kick-off show
LOS ANGELES, CA
UNIVERSAL BAR & GRILLE

It's easy to forget, sometime, just how many wonderful, loving, supportive friends I have. The tour kick-off was a huge success, and everyone I love was there to see me off. It was like that part at the end of the wedding reception when everyone gathers outside and throws rice at the bride and groom as they head off on their honeymoon; only, my groom was a crazy wall of lights that I made out of a shower curtain and some duct tape.

Leslie and Mark were at the show, and hopefully got some good pictures in the dark to post online!

Photo: Reza Asgari

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11, 2009 -- Get in the rental car with Wyatt (Tour/Tech/DrinkTicket Manager Extraordinaire for the first leg of the tour)
SANTA BARBARA, CA
VELVET JONES
w/ CROOKS & LIARS, TONY SLY (NO USE FOR A NAME)

Eddy Numbskull has never failed to put on a killer show. He used to help my old band out whenever we came through SoCal on tour, so when I called him up five years later about my new project, he came through once again -- or twice, as he booked Wednesday's and Thursday's shows.

Rosalie (xxrccola.buzznet.com) was the Buzznet winner for this show, and she met me and Wyatt (Tour Manager #1) at the venue early with her friend Aaron (countlesshours.buzznet.com). We all went to get pizza, then came back for the show, which was a blast. The room was packed and all the bands were really good and really nice. Crooks & Liars have some amazing songs and will hopefully be playing out more (so I can open for them) and Tony Sly from No Use For A Name was awesome, and super nice. Just good vibes all around!

Watch some videos from the show HERE!

After the show, we ended up crashing at two extreeeeeeemely drunks girls' apartment, which was an adventure in itself. I was awakened a few times throughout the night by random drunk people wandering in to the apartment and trying to sit on the couches that Wyatt and I were occupying. Needless to say, it was one of those situations that are sucky while you're in them, but hilarious the next morning when you start to recall the details of the evening. It was really nice of Jess and Macy to let us crash, and we appreciate the stories we got out of it!

Aaron, me, and Rosalie!

THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 2009 -- Wake up way too early and drive a million hours to Fresno.
FRESNO, CA
CLUB FRED
w/ DEVIL MAKES THREE

Another Numbskull show means another great night! Eddy came to hang out at this show, which was amazing because I hadn't seen him in almost 5 years. Big Tim who was running the show is one of the nicest dudes ever, and the Devil Makes Three guys/girl were amazing! Everyone was really receptive to my music even though the other bands were straight up punk/bluegrass (a movement I've been backing for years, BTW). By the end of the night the entire room was one gigantic dance party that never seemed to end. And we didn't want it to!

Iris (iriswasabi.buzznet.com) was the Buzznet winner for this show, and she met us at load-in and hung out with us aaaaaaaaaaaaallllll the way until 3AM when we finally took her home.

After the show, we went out to get Thai food with Eddy Numbskull, Big Tim, the Numbskull crew that was working another Fresno show that night, and the Devil Makes Three crew. What an outing! We dominated the restaurant and had a blast. Afterwards we were totally exhausted, and dropped Iris off then went back to meet up with Eddy who graciously let Wyatt and me crash in his hotel room.

Everyone on the west coast should get involved with Numbskull Productions and go out to support all his shows. He is a shining example of a DIY/EIY scene supporter who has been bringing great bands to venues on the west coast for 20 years!

Read Iris's journal entry about the night HERE and give her a buzz/comment!

The lovely and talented Iris Wasabi, with some weird girl.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13, 2009 -- Hooray for showers and short drives!
SACRAMENTO, CA
HOWE PARK HALL
w/ HERO'S LAST MISSION, FFG, TRACK FIGHTER

The first all-ages show of the tour, and what better place for it than a community center in the middle of a park?! Wyatt and I got there early and camped out on a blanket on the grass with our computers.

The show was the first show they had put on there, in an effort to bring inexpensive, all-ages shows to the area. I'd say it was a great success with over 100 kids showing up and a great line-up of bands!

After I played, three girls came up and introduced themselves to me: Megan, Sammi, and Juliette. We all hung out the rest of the night and talked about music and bands and photography and all kinds of stuff. Turns out Megan is an active scene supporter on the EIY website and didn't even know it was my website! So we had a great time hanging out.

*Megan just started a new Buzznet profile for her photography! Check it out HERE!

When the show was over and we all loaded out, we all headed to Denny's with HLM and FFG, and some of the kids from the show. We had a crew of about 30 people but managed not to get too rowdy. The "Taking Back Bacon Burger Fries" on the menu caught me by surprise (read my interview with Matt Rubano on EIY, here) and gave me a good chuckle.

Hero's Last Mission let Wyatt and I crash at their house that night. It was another 3AM-er but at least we got to sleep in the next day!

A big huge thank you to Julian, who got me on the show AND ran the sound for the night AND played drums in HLM. You're one of the hardest working guys I've met in a long time and you're going to go far!

SATURDAY, MARCH 14, 2009 -- Hooray for sleeping in and exploring Sacramento!
STOCKTON, CA
BLACKWATER CAFE
w/ COURTNEY HOUSTON, REGGIE GINN, CHELSEA WOLFE

Middagh hooked me up with this show and it was (I know you're getting tired of hearing it, but...) yet another rad, interesting, fun show! All female performers playing totally different styles of stuff from soulful piano to cute acoustic rock to moody slide guitar stuff. It's always fun to be a part of an all-girl lineup and remember that there are just as many talented females in the music biz as there are stinky dudes.

Megan and Brian from Sacramento drove down for this show, which ruled! And Dean (my co-host on EIY Talk Radio on Monday nights) sent his friend John to support me and find us a place to stay.

Thank you to Linda for putting us up and letting us play pool in the garage until 3AM!

Wyatt, me, Megan, and Brian!

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 2009 -- Tour Manager swap! Dropped off Wyatt at the Sacramento airport and picked up Sumner, who will be on the road with me for a week!
REDDING, CA
DOWNTOWN EATERY & LIBATIONS
w/ TATTON WHITE, JOHN TRE & LILAIC LOVE, LAST WORKHORSE

The "Behind the DIY/EIY Scenes" Tour Contest brought to you by Buzznet and Macbeth Footwear!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY AND

THIS CONTEST IS NOW OVER! THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO ENTERED!

ONE WINNER IN EACH CITY GOT TO SPEND THE DAY BEHIND THE SCENES WITH ME,
AS WELL AS THE FOLLOWING FREE STUFF:

* A pair of Macbeth shoes
* G,NA shirt
* G,NA buttons
* Handmade EP
* Personalized tour poster
* Featured spot in top friends on my Buzznet profile for duration of tour
* Journal entry recapping my day with each winner, including photos and a link to their profile, posted on both Buzznet.com and Macbeth.com

WINNERS:

Mar 10 2009 North Hollywood, CA (21+) *WINNER: panasonicyouth.buzznet.com
Mar 11 2009 Santa Barbara, CA (21+) *WINNER: xxrccola.buzznet.com
Mar 12 2009 Fresno, CA (21+) *WINNER: iriswasabi.buzznet.com
Mar 17 2009 Portland, OR (21+) *WINNER: fistinthesky.buzznet.com
Mar 18 2009 Portland, OR (21+) *WINNER: kimberlymarie.buzznet.com
Mar 19 & 20 2009 Seattle, WA (21+) *WINNER: xjennersonx.buzznet.com [1ST RUNNER-UP: katxlovely.buzznet.com]
Mar 29 2009 Barstow, CA (All Ages) *WINNER: megannicolephotography1.buzznet.com

Weekly Column: Ask Me Anything! by Sarah Saturday [02/26/09]

***Submit questions to me via message!***

I've got my eye on you.

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QUESTION 1 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I've never had a good relationship with my dad. He's loud, obnoxious, has no sense of time, is selfish and sexist. He doesn't think of me as his "little girl," he sees me as a little freak. I don't like talking to him, but sometimes I can't avoid him. I need a good way to deal with him until I leave for college. I know he has problems and he's clinically depressed, but it's hard to understand his issues when he's so irritable. What can I do?

Submitted by: http://bellreavue.buzznet.com

Dear Living w/ Difficult Dad,

It can be really hard when one of your parents doesn't give you the love and respect that you deserve as a human being -- and that you expect as their child. It's hard to recognize that your parents are individuals who have their own sets of issues, baggage, and emotions. It's weird to think that they were once your age, and probably had the same frustrations with their parents as you now have with yours.

Now, that being said, you are still living at home, and your parents are (presumably) paying the bills and putting food on the table. That's definitely something you should be grateful for, and it's reason enough for you to try to be polite and courteous for as long as you are living at home. You don't have to LIKE it, but you should be a good and decent person by at least respecting the fact that your parents provide for you.

Before you decide to cut your father out of your life altogether, I'd strongly suggest talking to someone who is close to both your father and you -- someone in your family, like your mom, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc. Tell them how your dad makes you feel and ask them if they can help talk to your dad about his behavior. You might also want to suggest going to family therapy with your dad and anyone else in your family who might be affected by his attitude. If he is depressed and has other psychological issues, then his behavior is stemming from somewhere deep inside that has nothing to do with you; unfortunately, you're one of the people closest to him, so it's easy for him to take it out on you. Talking to family and friends, and trying to get help, should always be the first things you try in situations like this. You should always have someone in your family who is your sounding board, to help you through these kinds of situations, and to stand up for you when you need it.

Once you have someone to help you discuss the issue with your father -- be it a family member, relative, or therapist -- I think it's important that you put into words what you want and need from your father. Remember: he is an individual. He makes his own choices based on his own set of life experiences, and you can't let the way he treats you affect the way you view yourself. You have to hold him to the same standards you would hold anyone else; and if he doesn't live up to those standards, you can't blame yourself or feel bad about yourself because of it. He needs to do the right thing, to act like an adult, and to be a good father to you. He needs to be held responsible for his decisions and his actions. You can't fix him, you can only tell him what you expect from him and what you need from the relationship. Once you have laid it all out on the table, it's up to him to do the right thing. He needs to want to fix himself, and if he doesn't, you have to be prepared to give up on that relationship.

I would start right now by putting on paper how he makes you feel, how he upsets and disappoints you, and how you wish he would act differently. List examples of things he does that makes you not want to interact with him. Explain the feelings you get when he does those things. Next, write down stuff about him that you like, good memories that you have, and the ways you wish he would change. You might be surprised by what spills onto the page once you start writing everything down. If all else fails, you might want to consider writing him a letter that contains all those thoughts. I always find that it's easier to explain my feelings in writing than in person. Maybe your dad just doesn't realize how he is making you feel.

The last thing I'll say is that we all go through a phase in high school where we feel very alienated from our parents. It seems like they could never understand what we are going through, and their only goal in life is to make our lives a living hell. But I guarantee that this changes over time. If you can be level-headed and realistic about things, and take everything with a grain of salt, it will get better. Underneath all the crap and the bad decisions and the fights and the selfishness, every parent loves their child, and wants their child to love them back.

Love,
Sarah

QUESTION 2 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I know this is a simple question, but I really need help with it. I'm fifteen and my boyfriend just broke up with me. He was my first official boyfriend. I've had someone break up with me once before but he wasn't really my boyfriend. But this time it hurts so much more.

He was my best friend. We'd tell each other EVERYTHING. And we could act like idiots with each other. It was so fun. He still talks to me every day and he said we're still best friends. But he says it's hard to be best friends because I'll always want to be more and he doesn't.

He said he broke up with me because he just lost his feelings for me. But I didn't even do anything wrong. He had this school play which he really wanted me to join with him so we could spend more time together. But I said no, and that made him really upset. But I didn't think it would make him stop loving me. He said that's not the main reason, but that's what started the loss of his feelings. I have a feeling that we can make it through this like we always had. We were together for a year and three months. I miss all the times we spent together. It hurts not knowing we can't spend time together anymore.

I don't know what to do. I want to get over him but I don't know how. My friends aren't always there for me. They have transferred to different schools and they have new friends so I'm all alone. Please help me. How can I get over him? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Heartbroken Loner

Dear Heartbroken,

OUCH. I've been here before and it is NOT fun. I'm truly sorry you are going through this right now. I wish the heartache could go away overnight, but unfortunately that's just not how this stuff works.

All you can do right now is take things one day at a time. Each day, whether you feel it or not, your heart and mind are healing. It's important to let this process run its course, and not try to cover it up or ignore it or make it go faster. It is okay to feel hurt, sad, lonely, and all of those things. Take your time healing so you don't end up with any scars!

Now, as for the "staying friends" thing: I've tried this before. It was a similar situation. I was totally in love with this guy, and then one day he just broke up with me, seemingly out of nowhere. I was devastated! But then he said he still wanted to be friends, and to be honest I said I wanted to be friends too, but only because I wanted to be close to him in the hopes that he would fall back in love with me. Eventually it got too complicated, and he said the same thing to me about it being hard to stay friends because he knew I wanted more.

That was the first and last time I tried staying friends with an ex-boyfriend immediately after a break-up. No matter who dumps whom, or why you broke up, there still needs to be some time apart. You can't go straight from having one type of intimate relationship to another without some distance, so you can both heal.

If you two are meant to be together, you'll end up together. But you can't force it. He has been (brutally) honest about his feelings, so you must respect that, and not try to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go.

On the other hand, it's not fair of him to try to keep you to himself under the guise of a friendship. He probably likes the attention and affection he was used to having from you when you were together, and he doesn't want to let go of that. But he needs to know that he either gets you, or he doesn't. He can't have his cake and eat it, too!

I think you need to tell him that you need your space. You don't have to get into a big discussion about, just tell him that you need to not talk to him or hang out with him for a while, until you think you are ready for a friendship. And then you really need to stick to it. In a way, it will be like you are breaking up with him, which can be just as hard to getting dumped. But you have to stick to the plan.

In an ideal world, you'll end the friendship, and he'll start to miss you and realize what a jerk he's been and beg you to take him back. But you should not expect that to happen. In fact, you should expect the worst. That way, you won't be caught off-guard or hurt all over again when he doesn't try to get back together.

Most importantly, though: take this time to focus on yourself, and on starting a new chapter in your life. Try making new friends, or getting involved with after-school activities, taking up new hobbies, exercising more, spending time with your family, etc. Start a new art project, read a book, get a new haircut. Rearrange your bedroom, delete your Myspace account, take guitar lessons. Fill your time, and your mind, with anything that will keep you from obsessing on this situation -- and then, just take it one day at a time. Every morning, your heart will feel a little lighter.

Be sure to look inside yourself during this time as well, to try to learn from this experience. Look back on the relationship as an outsider, and try to find any warning signs. See if there was anything about the way you acted in the relationship that you didn't like, and work on changing those things. Try to identify the things about him that upset or bothered you, and make note of those things. Healing a broken heart is a very important time for us to grow and learn about ourselves as individuals. I can't think of any other experience that forces people to learn about themselves so much in such a short amount of time -- so use this time to evolve and become a better version of yourself.

And who knows? Maybe after enough days in a row, and enough introspection, you will wake up and realize that this guy wasn't your ideal guy, and you're happy the relationship is over so that you can go out into the world a better person, ready to meet someone who will make you even happier!

This, too, shall pass...

Love,
Sarah

QUESTION 3 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I really want to get into modeling but people say you have to be careful because some agencies will try to rip you off by charging you. I've heard so many rumors about it. I don't know what to do, and my friends are no help because they don't get me. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on what agencies are meant to do, and how I know I'm not getting ripped off.

Sincerely,
I Wanna Be a Scene Model

Dear "Scene" Model Wannabe,

I was honestly considering possible, thoughtful answers to your question until I got to your signature: I Wanna Be a Scene Model. What does 'scene model' mean? To me, it means those girls you see on TV and the internet who aren't quite actresses, aren't quite runway models, aren't quite anything but still end up on the covers of magazines and in reality television shows.

There is a certain lack of substance that goes along with being a 'model' in the world today. It's all about looks, sure, but it's gotten even shallower than that. I mean, at least in beauty pageants you have to have a talent, an education, and goals. But with the internet and television, modeling has become synonymous with wearing expensive clothes and too much makeup, hanging around at celebrity parties, and being a vapid, spoiled rich kid.

You are very young, so my advice to you would be to find a way to get into modeling through more traditional channels like pageants, talent shows, etc. Get your parents involved so they can protect you and be responsible for business decisions. Research the industry online and see how legitimate models (not "scene" models) have become successful in the business. I don't know much about agencies, but my instinct tells me that they should want YOU, and want to pay YOU -- not the other way around. There are way more scam artists in the world than there are legitimate people, so question every contract, every promise, and every person that you come across.

Lastly, click here, to read my advice column from 12/25/08, Question 3 of 3, where I discuss a similar topic about modeling and internet celebs. Ask yourself why you want to become a model, and if it's for the right reasons.

Love,
Sarah

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10 Things I Love (And Why I Love Them)

For the Hearts & Handshakes group!

In no particular order...

(1)
What: Coffee
Why: It makes every morning feel a little bit like Christmas.

(2)
What: Snuggling
Why: Whether it's with someone special, a puppy, or a pile of blankets... It's one of the best feelings on earth.

(3)
What: Accomplishments
Why: There's no payoff as great as reaching a goal you have set for yourself, by your own efforts.

(4)
What: Learning About Myself
Why: I'm my own unfolding story: the more I learn about my main character, the better the plot gets.

(5)
What: Grand Gestures
Why: Every girl loves a knight in shining armor.

(6)
What: Old Books
Why: Something about the look, feel, and smell of yellowing old pages in a book makes me feel nostalgic.

(7)
What: Inspiring Conversations
Why: Being able to connect with other human beings through ideas is the best kind of high there is.

(8)
What: Bittersweet Songs
Why: They're my favorite kind of song: not just sad, not just happy, but perfectly poignant and heart-wrenching.

(9)
What: Making Things
Why: Losing oneself in the creation of something is the most fundamental form of therapy there is.

(10)
What: Life
Why: We won the freaking lottery, people. Enjoy it.

Weekly Column: Ask Me Anything! by Sarah Saturday [02/05/09]

***Submit your advice questions via message!***

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Watching "Reno 911" and writing... Not a bad way to pass the time.

QUESTION 1 of 3

Dear Sarah,

Ever since I can remember, I've had trouble making friends, and tend to be stand-offish when I meet new people. I also have trouble making eye contact with people. Every time I'm in a new environment I become introverted and get anxious easily. How can I change this? I want to learn how to talk to people, but I get too anxious.

Love,
Introverted But Trying (Anonymous)

Dear Introverted,

It is totally normal to have a sense of apprehension or nervousness when you are in a new situation, or meeting new people. We're always most comfortable around people that we already know, in places that are already familiar to us.

When I was in high school, there was a group of people (mostly girls) who didn't like me because they said I was stuck-up and full of myself. In reality, I was pretty shy, and intimidated by those people who were always the loud, abrasive, seemingly confident kids in school. I was the person who kept to myself in social situations, where I didn't know anyone. Most of that was a lack of confidence in myself and my ability to handle any situation.

It takes time to build "confidence" -- and "confidence" doesn't necessarily mean being loud, talkative, or the center of attention. Confidence, by definition, is "belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-reliance; assurance." The better you know yourself, your beliefs, your boundaries, and your likes/dislikes, the better you'll be able to adapt to new situations. You'll be able to answer any question, or chime in on any conversation, because you'll know what you think and why you think it. You'll also trust your judgment in any situation, and if you don't want to be there, you will have no problem leaving because you'll know why you don't feel comfortable.

Part of being scared to open up in a social setting is the fear of being rejected, or of saying something "wrong" and being made fun of. The more time you work on developing who you are at your core, the less you will worry about other people's reactions. As your confidence in yourself grows, you will come out of your shell more and more. But it definitely takes time to learn about yourself.

Another thing you can do to overcome your fear in social situations is this: view your fear as if it is a bratty little kid who is throwing a temper tantrum, trying to ruin your day. Annoying, right? But, as we all know, the fastest way to get a bratty kid to stop throwing a temper tantrum is to IGNORE the tantrum. So, instead of letting your fear overcome you, punish it by intentionally acting the opposite of the way it wants you to react. If you walk into a party and your fear tells you to look down at the floor, ignore it, and intentionally looking into every person's eyes that you pass. Punish your fear even more by *smiling* at those people, while you are making eye contact. If you are in a big group of people and your fear tells you not to talk to anyone, ignore it and ask someone what time it is, then punish your fear even more by introducing yourself to the person, and asking them about themselves.

When you get anxious in a social situation, it's your fear telling you that something terrible will happen if you open up and make yourself vulnerable. But that's not the case! I can guarantee that after enough times of punishing your fear by going against what it tells you to do, the fear will start to subside, just like how the bratty kid eventually gives up and goes back to playing with his toys.

As for the anxiety: depending on how bad it actually is, there are a few things you can do. You should start by reading about social anxiety online. A lot of people have issues with social anxiety, but the more serious cases can require therapy or medication. If you haven't talked to a therapist, it might be worth it to schedule a few sessions. I am a firm believer that everyone can benefit from therapy; I've overcome a lot of issues in my life just by talking to a professional and getting some tips and tricks for handling stuff like depression, anxiety, stress, etc.

Strengthen your core to build your confidence, and punish your fear when it tries to throw temper tantrums. You're 100 times more interesting than most people you will ever meet, and there's nothing you can do or say in a social setting that will cause any permanent damage... Trust me!

Love,
Sarah

QUESTION 2 of 3

Dear Sarah,

I need your help. You see, my cousin and I never used to get along when we were little kids. We always fought over the stupidest things.

But in December of 2007, my family and I visited relatives for a few weeks. During that time we attended a a wedding. I didn't know my cousin was going to be there, but when I saw him wearing his tuxedo and looking really elegant, I stopped thinking of him as a little boy and found myself in front of a handsome gentleman.

We had a great time at the wedding. We danced and ate strawberries from a chocolate fountain. He was paying more attention to me than my brother (with whom he used to get along very well). After the wedding, we started to spend more time together. We hugged more, and he would always touch my hand, and he taught me how to ride a skateboard. We would even joke about getting married. Later he confessed that the same thing happened to him when he saw me wearing my red dress at the wedding. He didn't think of me as that little girl who cried for everything anymore; now he thought of me as something more, a "gorgeous girl" (in his own words).

We saw each other again during spring break in 2008. The same happened -- touching hands, joking around, kissing on the cheek. A few months later, during summer vacation, things got more interesting. He came to stay for about three weeks at my house. Everything was alright during the day, while he and my brother and I would hang out together. But at night we would sneak into the living room to watch the moon from the window, and at times he would grab my hand, or play with my hair, or lay his head on my lap so I could play with his hair... *sigh* ...until one night, I don't know how it happened, but we kissed! Imagine, my first kiss, and it was with my cousin! We felt weird at first, but then everything felt normal again.

Then during Christmas vacation in 2008, the same thing happened again. Everything seems to indicate that we are in love with each other, but the problem is that we are COUSINS! His mom and my mom are SISTERS! Imagine what our family would do if they found out about us. They'd kill us, for sure. But can I blame my heart for choosing him? I know it's strange that of all the people in the world, I had to fall in love with him, but it's him I want. And I can't have him because:

1. Our family would kill us if they found out,
2. Society still discriminates marriages between cousins, or people from the same family,
3. Religion calls it as a sin, and
4. Science has discovered that when two persons of the same family have a baby, the probabilities of birth defects are higher.

Please help me! What would you do if you were me?

Sincerely,
Forbidden Love (Anonymous)

Dear Forbidden,

Wow. This is one of the toughest questions anyone has ever asked me. I thought a lot about it, and tried to think about what I would do in your situation. Then I did a little bit of research online, just to see what everyone else has to say about it -- I was actually surprised by what I found!

First, though, here is what I would do...

Talk to your cousin about your feelings. Try to remove the intensity, the thrill of the forbidden, and the drama from the situation and just have a discussion about the reality of what is happening. Maybe you should do this on the phone. Find out how he feels and what he wants to do about it. Examine your own feelings as logically as possible (again, removing the stuff that clouds your judgment). Are your feelings as real as you think they are? Are they real enough to put your relationship with your parents, your relatives, and possibly your friends, at risk, forever?

Then, ask yourself: do you think it's possible that somewhere in the world there is a guy who could make you feel the same way this guys makes you feel? Do you think there is even a 1% chance that you could fall in love with someone else, someday, when you are older? A 10% chance? 30%? Do you see where I'm going with this?

First loves, first kisses, first thrills... They are extremely intense. It's hard to think straight and it feels like the biggest and most important thing that has ever happened. My first love was one of those "bad" guys that parents always hate. His name was Chris. He skipped school and went to parties, and my parents hated him so much they got a restraining order against him! This, of course, only made the "love" more intense -- we couldn't have it so we wanted it ten times more. Eventually I convinced my parents to give him a chance, and he won them over, and we fell happily into love and were together for a long time.

But... my first love was also my first heartbreak. He cheated on me, and it was probably one of the most devastating, painful things I'll ever go through. After high school, I started meeting new people and having new experiences, and I realized how big the world was and how many possibilities lay ahead. Since then, I've had many intense, passionate, and amazing relationships. But when I was 14, if you had asked me who I was going to marry, I would have said "Chris."

What I'm getting at is, the chances are greater that you will NOT end up marrying your first love. It's more likely that will have a lot of relationships before you find the right guy to spend your life with. You, yourself, have a lot of changing and growing to do before you will be ready to marry anyone. You've got so many experiences ahead of you!

So you have to ask yourself: would it be worth it to choose your cousin as your first love, knowing that it is more likely that you won't end up marrying your first love? Would it be worth it to put your entire family through such an extreme shock, for something that probably won't last? Think about what it would be like after you broke up, both of you with broken hearts, and how difficult it would be to spend the rest of your lives seeing each other at family reunions, holidays, weddings, funerals? Would it be worth it?

But if the answer is yes, then I would challenge both of you to take one year to think about it. Pick a date one year in the future, and agree that you will not see each other or talk to each other for one full year. You can write letters to each other but you can't send them. Make other arrangements during spring and summer breaks so you don't have to see each other. If you really, truly love each other and you are really, truly meant to be together forever, then one year of waiting will be nothing.

During that year, focus on having fun, doing well in school, developing your hobbies, and meeting new guys. See if there are any guys at your school that you could like. Go to rock shows, art shows, sporting events, church events, etc., and see if you can't find at least one other guy to crush on. Try to put your cousin out of your mind. Open yourself up to the possibilities of new experiences and new people.

If, after a full year, you can't put him out of your mind... If you still think you love him and want to be with him... Well, write to me again and I'll tell you what to do next. ;)

Now, as for my "research" on the topic...
I found a lot of information online, including the list of states in the US that forbid marriage between first cousins. I was surprised to find that only half of the states don't allow it!

Here are some other interesting things I found, all of which would need a lot of fact-checking before it was presented as truth:

26 US states allow first cousin marriages; most people can marry their cousin in the US.
No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins. It is also legal throughout Canada and Mexico to marry your cousin. The U.S. is the only western country with cousin marriage restrictions.
The frequency of cousin marriages in the USA is about 1 in 1,000. The frequency of cousin marriages in Japan is about 4 in 1,000
It is estimated that 20 percent of all couples worldwide are first cousins. It is also estimated that 80 percent of all marriages historically have been between first cousins.

Those were some of the encouraging facts I found. But every situation is different, and you really need to consider the impact your decision may have on the people around you -- not only in the immediate future, but for the rest of your and your family's lives.

Here's to hoping I hear from you in a year...

Love,
Sarah

QUESTION 3 of 3

Dear Sarah,

My friend's boyfriend and I are pretty good friends. But since she's been going out with him, she has started accusing me of flirting with him, or trying to get him to dump her. I haven't been doing either of these things. How can I get her to believe me?

Love,
A Trustworthy Friend (Anonymous)

Dear Trustworthy Friend,

This one is pretty simple, as long as everyone is being honest with themselves and with each other.

If you don't have any feelings whatsoever for your friend's boyfriend, then there is nothing you can do but continue to reassure your friend that you are not flirting with him, that you don't like him that way, and that you just want to be his friend. It's up to her to believe you, and to believe the truth.

If your friendship with this girl is more important than your friendship with the guy, then you might consider backing off, and not hanging out with him or talking to him online unless your friend is there. If she has self-esteem or trust issues, she will feel threatened or paranoid when her boyfriends are talking to other girls (no matter who the girls are), especially when she isn't around. So you might want to show your devotion to your friend by funneling all of your contact with the guy through her. This will help her feel more secure and in control of the situation.

You should also talk to your friend and ask her why she thinks these things. Where does her paranoia come from? Is it from how you are acting, or how the guy is acting? Is it possible that she has reasons to be concerned? Maybe it has nothing to do with the guy OR with you. Maybe it stems from some deeper issue that she is dealing with. Are her parents divorced? Does she have anything in her past that would affect her ability to trust people, especially females in her life?

I'm asking all these questions because I can relate to your friend's paranoia. I've been in situations where I secretly worried that my friend had feelings for my boyfriend, or that my boyfriend secretly had a crush on my friend. This stems from trust issues I have with my father, who had an affair when I was really little. My parents' divorce affected my self-esteem as well, and that has also caused issues in my relationships with guys. Unfortunately, the people closest to me have been affected by my personal issues, but being able to talk about it with friends has helped me a lot over the years.

So just be honest, reassuring, consistent in your behavior, and supportive of your friend. This probably has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with your friend's self-esteem issues. (Maybe you should tell her to write to me. *wink wink*)

Love,
Sarah

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"Losing a Best Friend" [Advice Column: Ask Me Anything! by Sarah Saturday]

Raggy says: "Just get someone to give you treats and everything will be better!"

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Dear Sarah,

Please help! I have this ex-friend who was my best friend for a massive five years. We were amazing. Everyone at school just knew that we would always be together. But six months ago, we fell out for the first and last time ever. I just don't know what I'm going to do! I love him so much and it hurts to know that he hates me. I did everything for him. I took the blame for his shoplifting, his fire alarm escapade, even his damn 'burn book'. Honestly, I'm still not over him. Please, I need to get over him! What should I do?

Yours sincerely,
Desperate Cupcake xo http://coreycupcake.buzznet.com

Dear Desperate Cupcake,

I'm really sorry you are hurting right now. I know how hard it is to lose someone you care about that much, and it is never quick or painless to get over them.

Without knowing the specifics of what happened to end your friendship, I'll have to suggest some general things you can do to get over the loss of the friendship, since it sounds like you are trying to get over him rather than mend things and become friends again?

First things first, get busy getting busy! Surround yourself with friends, family, and people you trust. Make plans to go out with friends and keep your weekends full of outings and errands and projects. The busier you are, the faster time will pass. And as they say, "time heals all wounds."

Second, work on finding peace with the situation. Any time we are hurting from the loss of a relationship that was important to us, we need to examine ourselves and find the silver lining -- the lesson to be learned. It's important that you come out of this a better, more complete, and more evolved version of yourself. So, write about your thoughts and feelings. Start a journal in a Word Doc and just write in it whenever you feel sad. Think about what went wrong in the relationship that brought it to an end. Go back and see if there were warning signs that you ignored, or if there were things you or your friend could have done differently to avoid the falling out.

Third, consider making amends. If, after analyzing the friendship and the way it ended, you realize that you were at least partly to blame, it might bring closure for you to admit your mistakes to your friend. If you don't necessarily want things to go back to the way they were, you can still apologize without trying to reconcile anything. Maybe write a letter and send it to him, or an email, or (if you are really brave) you can do it in person. And if you do want to make up and get your friendship back, this will be a great way to get that ball rolling.

However, if it was quite obviously his fault that you guys had a falling out, then you might have to wait for him to figure it out and be the one who steps up to apologize. This could take a long time, and there's a good chance it might not ever happen. Sometimes we never get the closure we crave. That doesn't mean that the person never figured out what they did wrong; it just means they didn't have the strength to admit their fault. So don't wait around for an apology. If he was to blame, and you know for sure that it wasn't you, then find peace in knowing that.

It sounds like you gave a lot to the friendship. Did you get that same amount of dedication, love, and sacrifice from your friend, in return? A friendship should be equal and balanced. If all this guy did was take, take, take, and he let you shoulder the blame and suffer the consequences for his actions, maybe he wasn't the type of person you would want in your life. Maybe he was a drain on your energy and your happiness, and you never realized it.

The bottom line is, in these types of situations there are only a few things you can do: (1) fill your time and your life with sources of happiness (friends, activities, books, projects, goals); (2) try to learn from it, find peace with it, and make yourself a better person; and (3) take it one moment at a time.

Remember that everything happens for a reason -- and we almost never know what that reason is until years later, when we look back and see the course that our lives took after that thing happened, and maybe because that thing happened.

Love,
Sarah